Moving... Again

SORRY PEEPS,...
AM MOVING AGAIN TO A NEW HOME----i know...i know...
...OH GOSH JUST CLICK: ninazuhadmono.com
AM GIVING UP MY OTHER BLOGS TOO, INCLUDING MULTIPLY =(

I'LL BE GLAD TO HAVE YOU THERE =)

temptation

there was one time when i said... this gonna be it.
then... the temptation is hard to resist..
and i want it more.. and i'll say "please God, one more..."
and then another more...
and i become greedy...
then,
hurt.

and there come the temptation again... and I'll say "this gonna be it."
then...
things keep circling around.

and i fell even deeper than before.

chin up

been a whirlwinding week ...
need to pick up the pieces, get up straight and stand up high...

at this point, i'm missing grey's anatomy badly for no reason... well probably because the show gives me a short of break; people do have a problem with its own level... people do have its own way on how he/she manage and cope with the problem. Some put it on hold, like me most of the time and some have a big courage to deal with it and face the unexpected.

as i said expectation makes us suffer...
expectation leaves us suffer...
The experience too often is ass backwards and upside down.


"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar."

yogya ohh yogya...

"Untuk di Yogya kamu overqualified, plus kita tidak punya budget untuk bayar kamu... maximum hanya 20% dari ekspektasi kamu. Bagaimana kalau kamu saya tempatkan di Jakarta, kita butuh orang seperti kamu di pusat... Kamu mau?"

(..???..)

"Kalau kamu berubah pikiran, kami tunggu ya...kami akan senang mempunyai orang berkemampuan seperti kamu."

(...:D...)

_________________________________***_____________________________

"Sudah jelas, kami tidak akan mampu menggaji Anda, nilai yang Anda minta sama dengan gaji saya sebagai Direktur di sini... tapi kami sebenarnya juga sayang untuk melepas Anda... Jadi sebagai Direktur dan Pemegang Saham di sini saya mau menawarkan alternatif buat Anda..."

(...???...)

"Bagaimana kalau saya jual saham radio ini kepada Anda sebesar 10%... nggak banyak kok hanya sekian ratus juta. Nanti Anda bisa jadi produser dan announcer dengan gaji sekian, plus Anda selaku komisaris saya tambah menjadi sekian... nanti saya juga akan menjadikan Anda sebagai Direktur untuk AE kita, dengan begitu Anda akan mendapat tambahan penghasilan yaaa kira-kira sebesar sekian... Nah, dengan begitu dalam waktu enam bulan gaji Anda akan sesuai dengan ekspektasi Anda. Bagaimana? Jadi nanti Anda berlaku sebagai Announcer, Producer, Komisaris, Direktur dan AE... dipikirkan dulu baik-baik."

(...?????????????????????????????????????????????????...)

MAN SERIOUSLY ?????

Kuingin

Pengen nyanyiin lagu ini keras-keras buat yang semalam--tepatnya tadi pagi habis sholat shubuh--mampir di mimpi dan memberi sisa senyuman pas bangun =) semoga, nggak cuma sebatas mimpi saja...

Wajar bila terucap
Namamu malam ini
Bukan sekedar tanya
Dalam diri sendiri

Serasa terlintas lalu
Wajah yang kian menawan

Saat waktu berlalu
Anginpun terasa sendu
Senyuman yang termimpi
Makin terasa kini

Serasa terlintas lalu
Wajah yang kian menawan di hati

Kuingin hanyut
Dalam pelukanmu
Kuingin cinta
Hanya dari dirimu
Kasih

Try Not To Cry

‘Ayn Jalut where David slew Goliath
This very same place that we be at
Passing through the sands of times
This land’s been the victim of countless crimes
From Crusaders and Mongols
to the present aggression
Then the Franks, now even a crueller oppression
If these walls could speak,
imagine what would they say

For me in this path that I walk on
there's only one way
Bullets may kill, bones may break
Still I throw stones like David before me and I say

You, you’re not aware
That we’re aware
Of your despair
Your nightmares will end
This I promise, I promise








I usually post this type of issue in my multiply which I haven't touched for some times... but here we go, Thursday afternoon, the weather is so hot outside, and i keep thinking about Palestinian, aha don't ask me why. Moreover, when I listen the song from Sami Yusuf and Outlandish "Try Not To Cry", feels like my heart's falling into pieces.

This is one of the reasons why I really want to work for the UN or other NGOs... I want to do something, instead of sitting here and do nothing but in grief.

I throw stones at my eyes
’cause for way too long they’ve been dry
Plus they see what they shouldn’t from oppressed babies to thighs
I throw stones at my tongue
’cause it should really keep its peace
I throw stones at my feet
’cause they stray and lead to defeat
A couple of big ones at my heart
’cause the thing is freezing cold
But my nafs is still alive
and kicking unstoppable and on a roll
I throw bricks at the devil so I’ll be sure to hit him
But first at the man in the mirror
so I can chase out the venom


Hmm, a little boy shot in the head
Just another kid sent out to get some bread
Not the first murder nor the last
Again and again a repetition of the past
Since the very first day same story
Young ones, old ones, some glory
How can it be, has the whole world turned blind?
Or is it just ’cause it’s only affecting my kind?!
If these walls could speak,
imagine what would they say
For me in this path that I walk on
there’s only one way
Bullets may kill, bones may break
Still I throw stones like David before me and I say


Try not to cry little one
You’re not alone
I’ll stand by you
Try not to cry little one
My heart is your stone
I’ll throw with you

Expectation

“No one believes their life is going to turn out just kind of ok. We all think we’re going to be great, and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met; but sometimes our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations; because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing still. The expected is just the beginning; the unexpected is what changes our lives.”
-Dr. Meredith Grey

!

Am trying hard not to complain...and remain focus!!! I can do this...yes I can....

Clueless yet Thrill

There is a moment in my life that I feel I well-equipped on doing what I am doing. I studied hard back then, and graduated with honor. Academically, I should know bout things. Yet, when I am now starting up a business with two of my best friends, we all feel that we lack lots of things! We somehow realized that we taught to be a labor, a slave instead of being the top dog or “the man”… so not good. So… what I’ve been doing these days; stuck with the business plan, so bloody frustrating calculating the capital, finance, income, doing the market research, and etc etc… Gosh, feels like I am back to those days in class and doing dissertation, lol! It’s excited though, very much… I eventually found a courage to start my own business, well with two other friends… and off course supported by my bf who is so excited too lol...we are now in gear =) I’ve been working day and night for this to be succeed, and I really cross my fingers for that. Oh I am so thrill!

new life!

i am now settling in Yogya... well not yet settled down, frankly... but I'm trying my outmost to do so... I have a project to work on which is excellent and start to become proactive on seeking opportunities and good bye laziness lol! Since i'm working at home I realise that I have to be very determine and discipline--yeah things that sound impossible to me hehehehe... I have a goal so that's good for a change and I'm doing the thing I love to do... Yet one thing that irritate me A LOT is this f***ing IM2 broadband rips me off, so bloody expensive!! I used to be pampered by this free wi-fi in every spots in Jakarta, even in my previous office and kos! Ridiculous! Internet Oh Internet..why I can't life without u????

fate... at last!

I once posted about serendipity or this sweet coincidence..now i'm going to talk about what so called "what it is written is written". Have u ever experienced that u had been trying soooo damn hard and still u don't get what u aiming for? have u? what do u feel? ...and wht do u think? do u want to give another shot and keep saying that "ok this gonna be the last one then I have to move on--or somethin like that? or then u'll realise it immediately that "it's not written" and it's not "good" for u. And then u'll leave it down... and "the end." no more story for another "try".
will u later on, questioning how about if i give another shot? will things change or different?
and no more "wondering"


fate, it is!
all we need is a courage to accept it.
and compromise with it.

sad...

I came to realise that it's definitely not about or because of the city that is making me so sad... it's more about the opportunities that I just thrown away.

a friend said, as long as I have a good intention then, thing gonna be just find and even better... finger cross for that.
may my will remain sincere...

big thanks for my friends at DA who have made my stayed in Jakarta pleasurable and adventurous and of course my both dearest friends; 'ndy and 'crit.

I'm moving out,
eventually.

old me

while most people change... i 'm still the same old shit woman...

u,

u make my world upside down...


[sigh]

in love

I have always wondered, how people could maintain their marriage...their love, or in my dictionary their commitment? my parents have been married for more than 30 years and as far as i know they've been together since they were teenagers, amazing isn't it... I am amazed.

I met my bf about three years ago, it wasn't love at the first sight--well I don't think so at least not me lol... my bf even said he got the feeling tht he'll get a "big trouble" if he approach me, and hence he avoided me at first lol poor me! it was begun by a thing called comfort. We talked and talked again...and talked... till one day we realised that we don't get bored or annoyed to be next to each other, in fact we enjoy it.

there were some bumpy roads along the way, inevitable, yet we both managed to face it well--and when we look back, we know that it was love that has made us still..us. I fall in love with the same person over and over again... it's not a constant feeling it grows and blooms, and it's amazing... i learn every single day that there are many forms of love... love comes in many ways and many shapes.

I think, now I have learned that marriage is a feasible thing =)
and... i am in love [again] with the same man who greeted me three years ago in Roker street, a man who took all the risks to love me at the first place, a man who is along the way becoming wiser and wiser.... a man who takes my breath away through his determination and purity =)

te dua shume

Pernah Berkawan

Saya rindu...
rindu dengan kehangatan persahabatan
rindu dengan Dia yang Maha Menghangatkan.

Berjuta manusia berlalu dalam hidup saya, berpapasan, bertegur sapa, tak jarang juga menyeduh teh hangat bersama lalu berbagi cerita, berpotongan masa dalam rentang waktu yang dipunya.

Tak ada yang tinggal. Hidup terus berjalan... seiring dengan persimpangan-persimpangan jalur hidup yang akhirnya merentang jarak dan waktu... dan kehangatan itu.

Yang tinggal hanya sisa cerita... tak ada yang sama lagi. Kala itu dan pertemuan kali ini... dunia kita telah berbelah-belah... cerita-cerita tercipta di antaranya membuat usang dan lara, sementara kebisuan hanya mampu membekukan kedamaian lalu.

Saya rindu...
sesakit apa pun, kita pernah berkawan
rindukah kau dengan kehangatan kala itu, kawan?

City of Blinding Light

I've decided to move out from Jakarta for some reasons and trying to build my nest back in Yogyakarta, the city where I grew up as a teenager. Despite all the shocks--people who know me best will definitely understood "the why factor"-- I'm trying my best to ensure and motivate my own self that I'll be just fine =) After couple days in Yogya, I went back to Jakarta yesterday to finish the "unfinished" stuff I left here. Being a visitor in Jakarta is somewhat nicer than being a tenant in this cramped city.

I drove along the city with different perspectives. At some point the city looks sweeter with its flickering lights. I don't know it was probably I took my time to "really" observe and enjoy the city without the hush and harsh. As far as I remember I had never have a time to really enjoy the city... I didn't have a time in fact to even think about Jakarta besides its crazy unbelievable traffic and pollution in which gave me a headache. Shockingly and eventually the city is at ease...

I smiled last night with Adele's song "Chasing Pavement" on the other side of my sense, I'm happy to finally make a peace with this city. I'm still waiting one thing ...only one thing to be accomplished in this city before I pack my bags and fly to Yogyakarta... One thing which I believe will giving me a peace. The city is the one and only city that successfully flipped the other side of me--the fun, the wild,the crazy,the evil,the lust,the ego...and indeed the love and the friendship. It makes me understood how good and how bad I could become as a person... none of other cities have ever done this before. Jakarta oh Jakarta! lol

Now, I want to relax and chill, take off all my "self-protection" and "superwoman" costume--which helped me to protect my self to be able to survive here previously--and just being me... naked and no mask in this city of blinding light =)

Thanks Jakarta!

=( Blahhhhh!

Ohhh seriously, I hate this stage of life! Why on earth every single person I know always I mean ALWAYS ask when will I get married? ... WHY???? Is it wrong if in my age I haven't got married yet???? Am I turned to be semi-human or something??? WHAT IS IT WRONG people???? Aren't there zillion things in life and in this universe we can talk and thing about apart from that??? Ohhh it's getting into my nerve now! This friend, I haven't talked for ages and the first time he asked is when will I get married? The first bloody thing... not even how are you!!!! The FIRST thing!

This is why in some reasons I keep my self away from those who are already bounded in marriage.. cos soon they will ask about MARRIAGE! and then they will start preaching...lalalalalalalalala! Get Lost people... Sorry don't mean to go that far, some married couples are fun to be with... like my friends at the office... unfortunately I rarely found it...me bad then.

I tell you what, I am enjoying my life as a single... I have a gorgeous boyfriend who has a great manner, good job and believe it or not romantic... I am surrounded by fabulous ladies who are never complain and make big deal of my single status... I have a passion which keeps me going... and enjoying every single inch of my own drama... Up to u whether you'll say I'm just trying to design my own justification... soon or later I'll get there eventually. I am now enjoying my ride... with its shimmer and glitter!

And, marriage is NOT THE ONLY THING in life, people! Seriously!

Grand Plan

Saya baru saja bertemu dengan seorang teman di airport, di sebuah kota di Timur Tengah. Setahun lebih saya tak bertemu degannya dan tentu saja pertemuan “unexpected” itu amat sangat menyenangkan di tengah rasa kantuk.

Dia tahu saya baru saja resigned dari pekerjaan saya, ketika saya cerita kepadanya beberapa waktu lalu kenpa saya resign saya bercanda dan mengatakan kalau saya berencana untuk menikah—well, siapa yang tidak BERENCANA, bukan ?
Saat itu dia tampak surprised dengan keputusan saya yang menurut dia tak masuk akal, karenanya dia ingin sekali bertemu saya dan “meluruskan” otak saya yang bagi dia kurang waras =p

Dia menyambut saya dengan pelukan yang sangat hangat… instead of cipika-cipiki seperti layaknya kalau saya bertemu dengan teman, dia justru memilih menubrukkan badannya yang cukup tinggi ke badan saya yang mungkin hanya separuh-nya…. Saya geli! Hahahahaha kecil sekali ya saya, damnit!

Dia mempersilahkan saya duduk di kursi “apa adanya” yang ada di airport, tanpa kopi, tanpa wine. Dan disitulah pertanyaan itu muncul: “tell me, ada apa dengan rencana maha dahsyat bertunangan dan menikah itu?” Saya geli, itu pertanyaan yang muncul dari seorang teman yang lama sekali tak saya jumpai… oh my!

Saya bilang “ it’s a phase, it’s a cycle…” dia balik yang tertawa, “is that your phase, quit from job, being a bump and get married?” lol, saya geli dan tersinggung dan teman saya justru semakin gila menyerang saya dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaannya “jadi apa Grand Plan kamu?” Seperti di skak mat… saya tak tahu harus menjawab apa… saya memang tak mempunyai rencana! I am screwed!

“Oh dear..” itu yang muncul dari mulut teman saya sambil menyandarkan badannya ke kursi… and I managed to smile…. "look, some times it's nice being bump, do nothing and yet still manage to buy shoes!" lagi-lagi dia tersenyum...dan bertanya "jadi kamu benar-benar tak berniat untuk bekerja lagi, ya?" Mungkin bagi dia saya ajaib, secara waktunya habis untuk bekerja even di kala weekend.

Baru kali ini saya amat sangat merasa tak percaya diri... well, bagaimana mau percaya diri kalau saya saja tak tahu apa yang sedang saya lakukan atau akan saya lakukan dalam hidup saya, Oh My... bertemu dengannya meninggalkan PR buat saya. Sesuatu yang benar-benar harus saya pikirkan... meski dalam hati saya tahu bahwa this gonna be great; going back to Yogya and stay with my mom and dad--that's to be honest gonna be the toughest job ever.

Kami kembali berjanji untuk bertemu akhir bulan ini. Kali ini di Jakarta... looking forward really =) and by that time saya akan sudah punya jawaban tentang Grand Plan hidup saya... for sure. And, well see probably dia akan masuk dalam Grand Plan saya =p

nervous...

Saya nervous sekali dan mungkin mendekati stress...sampai-samoai membuat perut saya mual dan seperti diaduk-aduk! Hiks, lama saya tak mengalami gejala psikologis seperti ini. Alasan kenapa saya grogi, hmmm anggap saja seperti saya akan mengikuti sebuah perlombaan atau pertandingan... saat-saat di mana saya berharap untuk memperoleh kemenangan dan bukannya kalah. Beban untuk menang itu yang membuat terkadang justru menghalangi kita untuk bermain bagus, bertanding secara all-out...terkadang juga kebanyakan strategi dan mikir! Akhirnya bukannya membuat serangan yang tepat justru melemahkan senjata sendiri! aaarrrggghhhhh!!!! tahu kan perasaan seperti itu???

Tambah kronisnya lagi, saya menginginkan ini lebih dari setahun dan ketika sekarang di depan mata saya justru ingin lari...atau tepatnya melarikan diri, karena justru menurut saya "momen" ini datang di saat yang tidak tepat dan kondisi saya tidak prima untuk bertanding... dan saya takut sekali mengacaukannya! U know, ketika kita sangat menginginkan sesuatu...amat sangat rasanya stress sekali dan menjadi sangat berhati-hati!!!

Waktu kecil saya sering menghadapi perlombaan--dari baca puisi, cerdas cermat sampai peragaan busana muslim saya ikuti dan entah kenapa saya selalu menang... entah memang lawannya yang tidak siap atau saya memang beruntung =P seingat saya dulu saya tak segrogi ini juga... mungkin wakttu kecil saya justru lebih tahu yang saya lakukan lol, tak seperti sekarang...

Ini akan mengubah hidup saya...setidaknya hari-hari saya, apa pun hasilnya... positif atau negatif... dan rasanya saya belum siap menghadapinya..meski saya telah menanti cukup lama =(

SEMUA INDAH PADA SAATNYA, bukan ??????
dan SEMUA KEJADIAN PASTI ADA ALASANNYA...
dan ALLAH MAHA TAHU SERTA MAHA LUAS!

Bismillahirohmairrahiim.........

Clueless

Saya seringkali mengalah kepada ketidakmengertian saya... dan remain clueless. Teman saya pernah bilang "ignorance is bliss" mungkin dia benar. Ketika kita tidak mengerti hidup kita kadang menjadi lebih ringan... karena pada akhirnya kita tidak dipusingkan banyak hal dan tak peduli untuk fix things up or get it right, don't u think?

Lama sekali saya tidak meng-upgrade diri saya dengan apa pun... saya berada dalam masa jahiliyah akhir-akhir ini--penuh kegelapan. Pengetahuan saya bertambah seputar makanan dan socialites =( pretty much thick, yeah...tanyai saya tentang current affair pasti saya menjadi sok tahu, seriously. Sedikit beruntung DULU saya suka membaca...DULU.

Akhir-akhir ini saya lebih sering "sedikit" mendengar... dari pacar tentang pekerjaannya yang menyangkut IT dan interest-nya di dunia sepakbola dan Islam and... dari obrolan dengan teman yang lagi-lagi bekerja di dunia yang sama IT. Tapi percaya saja mendengar tak sama dengan "mempelajari" tapi ya... itu membuat saya akhir-akhir ini tertarik dengan isu tersebut, well mau tidak mau saya harus nyambung ketika berbicara dengan mereka bukan? walaupun pengetahuan saya hanya sebatas di permukaan saja.

Saya tahu dunia kita sedang "mencair", identity fraud sedang gencar, BBM naik, Burma sedang riot, China sedang menghadapi aftershock setelah powerful earthquake hit this certain city, Obama sedang di atas angin atas rivalnya Hillary, Halong Bay di Vietnam dinobatkan sebagai the next 7 wonders, and...other things... but those doesn't make me become a highbrow person... i am still jobless and do nothing in my life... absofuckinglutely NOTHING!

...destiny by distance

Apa sih "destiny" ? Dari dulu saya mencoba memahami konsep "destiny" tapi sepertinya saya tak paham-paham... is there something called destiny? As a moslem, saya diajarkan untuk mempercayai adanya Qodho dan Qodar, mungkin ketika guru saya dulu menerangkan apa itu Qodho dan Qodar saya sedang madol alias bolos atau tertidur di kelas... atau yaaa simply saya nggak ngerti. Few years back, saya mempertanyakan konsep ini ke teman saya, Agi, entah kenapa waktu itu tiba-tiba di suatu musim semi saya terusik dengan hal tersebut... kelebihan energi mungkin ketika itu. Instead of merayakan keindahan musim semi pikiran saya tersita untuk mempertanyakan konsep takdir.

My bf selalu bilang "ahhh it's written.." atau "what it is written is written..." saya justru suka nggak terima... loh kok, nggak bisa begitu dong! kita masih mampu mengubahnya, kan manusia itu dituntut untuk berusaha dan.. konon tak ada usaha yang tak ada hasilnya walaupun in the end [again] semua ditentukan oleh yang di Atas. Jadi, sebenarnya piye to? jangan-jangan masuk surga apa tidak kita nantinya juga sudah written lagi... ouch!

baru saja saya kembali mencari tahu apa itu takdir... dan saya malah jadi sesak nafas...saya takut! Menurut sumber yang saya peroleh bahwa: “Allah telah menulis (di Lauhu Mahfuzh) segenap takdir makhluk 50.000 tahun sebelum Ia menciptakan langit dan bumi” (HR. Muslim).

Termasuk apakah ia menjadi ahli surga atau neraka, Allah SWT sudah tentukan 50.000 tahun sebelum alam semesta ini diciptakan. Dari Abu Abdurrahman Abdullah bin Mas’ud ra., Rasulullah SAW bersabda, “Maka demi Allah, yang tiada tuhan yang haq disembah melainkan Dia, sesungguhnya seseorang diantara kamu beramal dengan amalan ahli surga sehingga tidak ada jarak antara dia dan surga kecuali sehasta, namun telah terdahulu ketentuan (takdir) Tuhan atasnya, lalu ia mengerjakan perbuatan ahli neraka, maka ia masuk ke dalamnya. Dan sesungguhnya salah seorang diantara kamu beramal dengan amalan ahli neraka sehingga tidak ada jarak antara dia dan neraka kecuali sehasta, namun telah terdahulu ketentuan (takdir) Tuhan atasnya, lalu ia beramal dengan amalan ahli surga, maka ia masuk ke dalamnya” (HR. Imam Bukhari dan Imam Muslim)
Pada hadits lain Rasulullah SAW bersabda, “Tidaklah salah seorang dari kamu melainkan telah dituliskan tempat duduknya, apakah ia termasuk penduduk neraka atau penduduk surga” (HR. Imam Bukhari)
Maka dari itu Imam Abu Ja’far Ath Thahawi (239 – 321 H) pada kitabnya Al Aqidah Ath Thahawiyah yang diberi ta’liq (komentar) oleh Syaikh Abdul Aziz bin Abdullah bin Baz mengatakan, “Semenjak dahulu kala Allah Ta’ala telah mengetahui berapa jumlah hamba-Nya yang akan masuk surga dan yang akan masuk neraka. Total dari jumlah itu tidak akan bertambah dan tidak akan pula berkurang”


lalu ?

Saya hanya berdoa dan berharap, ini HANYA SEBAGIAN KECIL atau SECUIL DARI PENGETAHUAN SAYA TENTANG TAKDIR...

Bukankah, kita tidak boleh memahami isi Qur'an secara secuil-secuil saja? karena justru akan menuntun kita menuju ketidaksahihan dan kebenaran palsu? Allah itu Maha Luas...

Kalau dipikir, apa arti penciptaan saya ini ya ? I am such a small and insignificant creature... this world and universe will keeps spinning around with or without me, isn't it?

*sigh*

The Trumpeter...

Suatu siang editor saya menugaskan saya untuk mewawancarai Chris Botti... dan rasanya salah sekali kalau selama ini saya melabeli diri saya sebagai pecinta Jazz kalau saya sampai tak tahu who the heck is Chris Botti. Anyway, editor saya cuma bilang; "Nina, Chris is here..." dan saya yakin waktu itu tampang saya terlihat tolol dan...polos at the same time, betapa tidak, editor saya itu namanya juga Chris, jadi wajar toh kalau di jidat saya tergamar sebuah bubble dengan tanda tanya besar "so what ???" "Ahhh...not me off course, silly woman, Chris Botti.." saya masih belum ring a bell... "Chris who..??" "Chris Botti that trumpeter... bloody hell u don;t know him, he is well known,lalalalalala..." "that Chris Botti ?????" kata saya setelah sadar dan berubah menjadi aneh seketika . "seriously ??? soooo...." "so get the contact and ask whether we can interview him or not ?" "r u going to interview him or..." "noo... it's you that i want to meet him... "

Kegirangan saya lalu bekerja secara gesit untuk mencari tahu kemungkinan mewawancarai si mas ganteng ini.... dudududududu was so excited... dan tarrraaaa berkat sekretaris editorial yang brillian saya akhirnya diberi waktu untk mewawancarai-nya "wooohoooooo!!!" then, I told to Chris, the editor kalau si mas ganteng bersedia diwawancarai... dan dia misuh-misuh "seriously,.. u bitch how come?" dia berpikir jadwal Chris Botti padat dan dia tak akan bersedia diwawancarai dengan janji yang mendadak... hahahahahaha I was laughing so much dan dengan ketusnya bilang ke editor saya "nope, it's my interview....!!!!"

Dan hari itu saya bertemu dengan mas ganteng yang brillian dalam bermusik dengan baju saya yang tidak cukup appropriate.... huhuhuhu, after all I am a journalist =p dan seperti biasa, mereka hanya memberi waktu yang amat terbatas, yet I had a fine interviewed dan bahkan Chris justru yang meminta interview dilanjutkan sampai si promotor memotong dan bilang "oohh sorry Chris, u have a massage appointment and lalalala..." ohhh f**k off!!! hehehehe... itu interview berkesan saya yang kedua setelah interview dengan seseorang yang akhirnya menjadi "teman" saya...

Malamnya, setelah saya diusir Yuska--PR Shangri-La yang mewajibkan saya untuk "berdandan" untuk konser-nya Chris Botti dan membuang jeans belel saya [hehehehe thx darl, for giving me a nice seat, u r the best] I lulled by his incredible music... so beautiful, bitter-sweet symphony yang membuat merinding, nangis dan... orgasm at the same time hahahahaha itu lawakan saya dengan Yuska at that night! he is amazingly amazing!

great closure in this magz... not bad at all!

Beloved Pals

Akhir-akhir ini saya merasa amat sangat sepi... sangat sepi. Kenyataannya saya tak [lagi] dikelilingi banyak teman. Dan ini membuat saya sadar saya tak cukup pintar untuk 'menjaga' teman *sigh* Dari SD sampai SMA setidaknya teman saya "teng tlechek.." hahaha it's Javanese word buat di mana saja ada.. Saya tak pernah takut kesepian atau tak punya teman... I was good at that time on making and keeping friends. Till when I was in uni, mungkin di sini saya mulai picky--saya mempunyai ketergantungan yang cukup tinggi terhadap sekelompok orang dan itu membuat saya terlalu nyaman dan lupa bergaul dengan orang lain. Pun ketika saya melanjutkan S2 saya dikelilingi oleh kehangatan anak-anak PPI Sunderland yang kecil namun bahagia, setiap hari bersama tinggal di bawah satu atap--hingga [lagi-lagi] membuat saya lupa bergaul dengan classmates saya...what a wasted! Saya menyesal.

Saya merasa kesepian sekarang dan bodoh secara bersamaan. Saya rasa saya kehilangan banyak sekali teman--sesuatu yang paling berharga dan menghangatkan--saya rindu teman-teman SD,SMP,SMA, Unpad, dan terutama saya kangen Roker 73!! Jam 5 pagi waktu Indonesia sekarang... and here I am having a date with my macbook, alone!

I'm sorry for not being such a good friend for all of you... Hope i still have opportunities to make it up.. cos I believe somehow teman tak akan pernah hilang... I wish it's true...

Scribble

Kalau tidak salah pertama kali saya nge-blog itu sekitar empat tahun yang lalu, ketika saya baru menjadi mahasiswa di Inggris Raya. Alasan yang bisa saya ingat [mungkin] saya terlalu banyak mempunyai waktu luang... Kuliah hanya dua kali seminggu dari jam 3 sore sampai 9 malam, selebihnya saya menikmati masa-masa sebagai mahasiswa-mengerjakan hal-hal yang nggak penting yang tak lagi 'sah' dilakukan orangyang sudah lulus kuliah- seperti tidur siang, jalan-jalan mengelilingi daratan Inggris Raya tanpa memikirkan hal lain yang seharusnya sebagai mahasiswa yang 'produktif dan cerdas' bisa saya lakukan, menjadi kontributor misalnya... atau ya belajar. Anyway, saya malas, intinya.

Menulis di blog menjadi sesuatu yang menarik buat saya ketika itu, pikiran saya berlari-lari dengan idealisme sesat dan juga semangat sebagai mahasiswa Indo yang kuliah di luar, di mana 'anehnya' rasa nasionalisme saya terbakar dan hasilnya membuat saya lebih sensitif terhadap nasib negeri dan anak bangsa--MashAllah, indah sekali kata-kata itu ya... lebih terdengar ironis sebenarnya =p pagi saya diawali dengan berita berita dari detik.com, jurnalperempuan.com sampai bbc.com semua isu saya telan dan otak saya cukup reaktif dengan respon-respon sensitif. Kemudian saya menuliskannya di blog... jadi sepertinya ada isinya... sepertinya.

Saya dulu juga blog walker, saya menikmati membaca blog kanan kiri, menarik sekali... terkadangan membuat saya iri "kok saya nggak pernah kepikiran ke arah itu ya" akhir-akhir ini yang saya baca adalah blog-blog yang membuat saya menjadi merasa lebih baik sebagai manusia, blog-blog dengan isi tolol, blog-blog yang berisi narsis dan caci-maki teman-teman mereka sendiri... menggelikan! tapi jujur itu sangat menghibur saya... cukup shallow bukan saya? hmm what can I say...

Barusan saya membaca blog menarik sekali, dan kembali membuat saya iri, kok saya tak pernah mampu membuat blog yang menarik dan "berisi" ya... saya bahkan tak pernah tahu apakah blog ini ada yang membaca selain saya... dan kadang-kadang pacar saya... hmmm... saya tadinya berniat membuat blog ini menjadi lebih menarik dan berisi dari yang sebelumnya tapi... hahahaha sama saja! shame on me... well saya ada multiply di situ sedikit lebih serius...mungkin malah jadi membosankan..

See, saya mumbling sendiri lagi... Gosh, I wish I could be wittier than this...

my life recently...

Akhir-akhir ini saya mencoba berkonsentrasi untuk menyelesaikan buku saya yang telah sangat lama tertunda... sangat lama... mungkin saya terlalu memikirkannya dan idealis dan akhirnya proyek ini tak ada akhirnya...arrrggghhh! gemas! Untuk refreshing, semalam saya menonton Sex and the City movie yang berdurasi 145 menit, cukup panjang untuk film ber-genre comedy romantic dan akhirnya memang film ini menjadi antiklimaks dan menuai banyak bad review dari movie critics.. well what can I say!

Yet, I am still a big fan of these New Yorkers =), ceritanya sederhana tapi punya kedekatan dengan kehidupan kita... betapa susahnya menjaga sebuah relationship. Dan telling the truth, itu semakin susah ketika kita bertambah dewasa. Some people say marriage is overrated, probably in relationship itself merupakan sesuatu yang berlebihan... Untungnya masih ada sesuatu what so called "feeling and emotion" yang terkadang bisa mengalahkan logic dan daya analistis kita, even for the most logical people--like miranda hobes character on sex and the city for instance.

I don't think love is overrated, tapi mungkin relationship yang saya harus bekerja keras untuk remain in its circle. Jujur saya kagum for those yang bisa menjaga relationship mereka for the hell decades... never cheat and never get exhausted... =) umur saya tidak muda lagi rasanya untuk menjadi clueless dalam hal ini, tapi [again] what can I say?? here i am...

It is mysterious

I just got news from home, that, one of cousins is getting married soon... I'm very happy for her, regardless that she is younger than me lol... but yeah I'm happy, at least somebody is getting married in my extended family, since they had been waiting for it and they were expecting me actually... lol. I'm happy!

Other thing, I was extremely shocked at the same time because she won't married the man i thought it would be... the last man i heard dating her. In short, she instead gonna married the guy next door, like literally next door!!! I was laughing so much... why on earth after her long road and journey meeting up with some guys, she eventually end up with the man who is never really go away from her since he lives next door! lol!

This is what I as a human never really understand His plan... it is a huge mystery... "jodoh, rezeki dan mati seseorang itu hanya di tangan Tuhan" and it's TRUE! an absolute fact that we can't deny or whatsoever. My cousin found "the one" just next door, in contrary... I have to go all the way to UK to meet my present bf!! Well dunno yet where we end up... but you know sebenarnya dunia itu tidak bisa diartikan secara tunggal... it is one single world yet, at the same this "A" world offers gigallions possibilities for each and every one species... one fact may work for certain people but it won't suit to other one...

Darn it! I have just proven the theory that the reality is bounded by the words... Think I've told this many times, I often frustrated because i can't find a perfect word to describe and portray something! Anyway, maybe this is what so called destiny...faith... u know... some particular things that no need reason nor explanation...=)

Ahhh, great at least there's something that I'm expecting after I quit from my job--being the EO for my cousin's wedding lol!

...you famous forever!

I rarely post sumthing really useful here but I think this gonna be a good lesson for everyone. Friday night it is now, and basically if I don't meet a friend for a drink saya biasanya stuck with my macbook dan pastinya melakukan banyak hal yang tak berguna merely buat buang waktu till I feel I need to sleep. It's great kalau pacar saya kebetulan lagi have no meeting jadi kita bisa ngobrol over the skype atau kalau tidak ada McDreamy juga di skype,hmm... itu akan jadi malam yang menarik buat saya.

Anyway, since my bf has to fly dan saya tidak tahu McDreamy sedang berada di dunia mana, so I have this intimate interaction with my macbook. Biasanya saya akan membuka website apa saja dari berita sampai gosip sampai facebook sampai men-google McDreamy...apa saja yang basically nggak penting. Nah, the interesting part, saya menemukan site dengan tag Sukma Ayu. If you all remember, she is passed away couple years back in her very young age, ironic and tragic. Makanya juga saya penasaran, dan ketika saya buka taraaaaaa.... disitu ada foto-foto dia naked sengan B'jah yah.. mungkin kita semua juga ingat dengan tragedi itu... Anyway, I felt so bad u knowww... this girl has already passed away dan foto-foto dia yang saya tahu pastinya sangat dia sesali masih beredar dengan bebasnya di internet... leave her alone!!!! wow... that's so bloody cruel u know...

and then somehow saya ingat perbincangan saya dengan McDreamy weekend silam, dia bercerita ketika dia sedang di pesawat menuju Singapore, seorang pramugari menghampirinya dan mulai bercerita kalau mantan pacarnya mengedarkan rekaman "video" mereka di internet dan si pramugari ini sangat panik, pertama pastinya karena malu dan yang tak kalah seru adalah ketika dia taping that video, she was wearing the uniform!!!! Gila banget kan??? I know which carriage but I won't tell you here. Kasihan banget! Nah karena pramugari ini tahu bahwa McDreamy bekerja di bidang internet security yang sering dealing with hackers, dia minta tolong gimana caranya video itu dihapus dari internet. Even buat orang sekaliber McDreamy, he's so good believe me, dia bilang "..how the fuck" dan "the problem with the internet is... you are famous for ever. it never really goes away."

Perhaps, kalau yang bilang itu orang lain selain McDreamy saya akan bilang "yeah ritee.." tapi secara dia expert so... saya percaya itu. Dan saya baru saja membuktikan... isn't it scary ??? I mean internet is a great invention, no doubt, tapi ini temuan manusia yang punya berjuta kelemahan. And in fact it's so fragile... dan semenjak saya dekat dengan McDreamy saya jadi tahu betapa "mengerikannya" internet ini. Segala bentuk teror bisa dilakukan melalui internet loh.... tapi sejauh yang saya tahu di Indonesia sendiri kesadaran akan internet security itu belum tinggi. Well, saya sendiri akan menulis artikel tentang ini dengan bantuan McDreamy, I'll post it soon setelah saya selesaikan.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... be careful to post anything in the internet especially pictures, video of your self... I know it's an instant way to gain a fame but hey u have to remember ur existence here in this internet world will never be instant, it will stay like for ever!

takut

Sepertinya kita tak akan pernah menjadi dewasa dalam urusan cinta. Kapan pun rasanya kita tidak pernah cukup mengerti apa itu cinta. Bahkan sesering apa pun kita jatuh cinta dengan orang, itu juga tidak akan menjamin kita akan lebih mahir dalam urusan cinta. Unik.

Banyak ketakutan, keragu-raguan....

ada letupan-letupan di hati, bergejolak ingin sekali meneriakkan semua yang ada di hati kepadanya yang di sana...
yang tak pernah tahu bahwa di sini ada seseorang yang menunggu di lautan emosi... ingin sekali rasanya melangkah dan berkata "beri ruang untuk rasa ini" tapi, rasa takut itu terlalu besar berdiri di tengah keraguan. Takut, ternyata dia justru melangkah pergi dan menghilang... menguap bersama embun pagi yang dingin. Dan, tak akan ada lagi kutemukan ekstasi-ekstasi diri.

Kenapa kita begitu takut dengan kenyataan ? dengan jawaban atas misteri hati ?
Akankah tersedia ruang di hatinya untuk rasa ini ? atau kah ia jadikan aku hanya sebagai penghias malamnya yang dingin ? pengisi kanvas kosong di temaran langit gelap...
Sampai kapan ?

why?

why ?

why we have to meet at the first place?

why ?

apakah suatu hari nanti akan ada sebuah penjabaran tentang hari itu, jam itu dan detik itu ?
dan saya akan cukup terpuaskan dengan jawaban yang ada
atau semuanya akan tetap menjadi misteri, sebuah teka-teki yang tak akan pernah pergi dari kehidupan ?
seperti si A, si B dan si C ???
ahhhhh...

cara bercandaMu, Tuhan.... beri kesempatan aku mengerti 'joke'Mu yang satu ini...

serendipity

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan." --Serendipity the Movie, 2001.


pernah?
hmmm, saya pikir saya pernah mengalaminya atau mungkin saya meyakini saya pernah mengalaminya. "suatu kebetulan yang menguntungkan" yah kira-kira begitu terjemahan bebas dari serendipity.

lelaki ini sempurna di mata saya... setahun lalu saya bertemu dengannya. hanya sekali itu, namun keajaiban di hati dan angan saya setelah itu merupakan sebuah fenomena yang mampu mengembangkan senyum saya dan melambungkan harapan-harapan saya dan bahwa saya percaya takdir.

Saya dan dia menghabiskan kurang lebih dua jam, berbicara tentang dunianya.
Saat itu saya ingin sekali bilang "please do call me."
Tapi kata itu sampai sekarang tidak pernah terucap.


"When love feels like magic, it's called Destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, It's called Serendipity."--Serendipity the Movie, 2001


Hingga saat ini saya percaya bahwa saya akan bertemu lagi dengannya... entah kapan dan entah di mana. Hmmm, wishful thinking? I don't think so... saya harus menciptakan pertemuan itu... karena saya "butuh" untuk bertemu dia dan menyelesaikan satu kisah hidup saya ini sebelum saya melangkah ke chapter selanjutnya.


I'm the man Eve. Staring into the sky, thinking. Not about my fiancee, but about some mystery guy I met a million and a half hours ago. It was only a moment, a fragment really. But it was like, in that moment, we were supposed to be together. That's why I'm here Eve, that's why I'm going to let destiny take me where it wants to. Because when all of this is over, at least I'll never have to think about him again. Let's just hope he's some bald fascist who picks his nose and wipes it under the car seat.--Serendipity the Movie, 2001.

reason to wake up

I think people need a reason to wake up in the morning... to boast the spirit and to at least understand a lil bit why she/he somehow ever exist in this world.

And in my case, it has never been easy to actually find "reason" to seize the day. Indeed this life is full of shits!
My recent life been full of routine... and hence I'm gonna kill that routine very soon. A friend told me this morning with an irony "ahhh..young and retired, seems a beautiful life." ... and last night my brother and sister were so confused when I told them "well I don't know.. I don't have a plan really.." and... they tried to help me out with the solutions 'cos they thought I'm totally out of my mind... by resigning from my current job with literally NO PLAN!

Every morning for the last one and half year, I've been waking up with such a hurry and far from "healthy mind" and "good rest" and thinking about deadline and such... well that's how it is when people grow up and have a job that binding her/him... i have responsibility as a writer or journalist to do what the journalist should do...

Yet, I think I need to know my limit and capability as well, I need to know when I have to hold thing and when I have to make a move... I need to know whether things are supporting my ability or just holding it back... and the fact is I don't want to stuck in a point just because I feel comfortable as it has been a routine for me... and... going nowhere.

I want to wake up with a new hope... with a new perspective that will lead me to the higher stage of my life and my career... We have to take a risk for once in our lives... especially when we know that it will change our lives toward the better...

I'm not retired... I just need to wake up in the morning with alter reasons...

John Cusack Syndrome!!

Ahh, don't ask me why, but I'm lulled by John Cusack in Serendipity and Must Love Dogs hahahahahahaha bit late probably considering those both films were released ages ago, but hey he's cute... not handsome but... a sweetheart u know...! usually in this genre kind of movie--romantic comedy, Hugh Grant is the best, he nails this field very well! but halllooo ladies, do have a look this charming lovable Mr Cusack! he is luscious!! xxx

...and I think I'm this typical woman, who's cry and smile during the movie, all the way... and linger with its story... flowery scripts... hahahahaha... ahhh, love, love, love and hopes! so beautiful isn't it? when you in love, in search of love or the one you love and have a faith in it... and wait for the destiny calls you =) damn you Mr Cusack!...and the movies--especially the movies!

love is never a waste, believe me...
some times we probably say, it's suppose to be easy... maybe it is, but there's nothing wrong with a little struggle, right? it's better like that than carry on a regret.

yeahhh, i guess it's bloody John Cusack' syndrome!

what if ?

How about if I were a doctor or interior designer? would i made my life better and brighter?
Have any of u, in one stage of your life, ever questioning whether the decision you made in the past were the right one ?


it's not a regret that I'm trying to draw here... it's not.
a friend just told me, never curious with the ending... go with it cos the end will eventually come at the right time!

a while ago when I was about to enroll university, there were some subjects that I put interest in. Although at that time I didn't have a clue that the decision I made that day will determine my entire life! literally--for me at least. Somehow, I accepted in Faculty of Communication...lead to Journalism study...lead to Radio Production and Management. I used to be so bloody proud for being a journalist wrapped in idealism... utopia one. Bathed in a rainbow of confetti of a perfect picture, and always have had a believe that I am a great writer *smirking ironically* let alone great writer, I'm not even certain tht I am a good typist! And so the question popped up; WHAT IF ?

Memimpin dengan Hati

Meski tersedia pekerjaan di rumah, Ayah saya selalu menginginkan anak-anaknya untuk menimba pengalaman di dunia luar... menjadi staff atau anak buah orang lain, belajar dari bawah, sehingga akan tahu bagaimana susahnya "mencari" uang dan pada akhirnya dia mengharapkan anak-anaknya akan lebih menghargai hidup danjika kelak menjadi pemimpin, akan menjadi pemimpin yang baik yang memimpin dengan hati tidak hanya dengan kepandaian.

Jiwa saya memang jiwa kuli. Yah setidaknya kuli tinta hehe saat ini saya bekerja sebagai penulis di sebuah majalah lifestyle dengan gaji buruh. Ketika orang rumah meminta saya pulang dan memulai usaha sendiri saya justru menolak... nggak pede dan jujur saya belum tahu apa yang bisa saya lakukan selain menulis. Jadilah saya di"jajah" di perusahaan ini, berangkat pagi pulang di atas jam 8 malam. Setiap bertemu dengan Ayah saya pertanyaannya selalu sama: "gimana... dah naik gaji belum?" dan setelah setahun bekerja saya baru bisa bilang "sudah... 10%" dan tawanya menggelegar... jadi kuli memang gaji-nya "terbatas" hehe tapi ya tetap harus bersyukur masih bisa beli kopi starbucks kekekeke, begitu selalu kata teman kerja saya.

Seninya jadi kuli adalah kita bekerja untuk mandor. Yang lebih nyeni lagi adlah ketika mandor kita atau pemimpin perusahaan tempat kita bekerja, memimpin dengan "mood" dan ego-nya bukan dengan HATI. Hasilnya, hampir setiap hari saya melihat dinamika perusahaan yang "unik". Beberapa hari terakhir si bos "kecewa" dan output-nya jadi menerapkan sistem-sistem ajaib... dan saya termasuk salah satu yang terkena dampak keajaiban itu... hahahaha... tidak Alhamdulillah saya tidak dipecat justru saya tidak boleh cuti dengan alasan yang tidak etis jika disebut di sini.

Anyway, meihat kebijakan yang tidak bijaksana dari si bos saya justru menjadi geli dan tertawa... kenapa juga ya saya bertahan menjadi buruh orang yang memimpin tidak dengan hatinya ya ? memangnya saya desperate itu ya hingga mau "diinjak-injak". Alkisah saya lalu ingat kebijaksanaan Ayah saya... suatu hari salah seorang pegawai ayah saya mencuri inventaris perusahaan... untuk sekedar informasi perusahaan Ayah saya itu di bidang transportasi, jadi barang-barangyang dicuri pun dari mesin-mesin bekas yang masih bisa dipakai apalagi dijual, ban, oli, dsb... Marah dan kecewa pastilah Ayah saya. Tapi lagi-lagi ini Ayah saya yang sebagian besar karyawannya telah bekerja bersama Ayah saya hampir seumur saya, ya.. di atas 20 tahun jadi.. dia lebih menganggap karyawan-karyawannya bagian dari keluarganya.

Si pencuri ini ditanya oleh Ayah saya, apa alasan dia mencuri. Bagi Ayah saya yang terpenting dalam bekerja danjuga hidup adalah kejujuran--harus JUJUR. Mencuri tentu saja suatu bentuk ketidakjujuran yang akut. Kemudian Ayah saya juga bertanya berapa jiwa yang harus dia tanggung sebagai suami dan bapak ? setelah "pengakuan" si pencuri, ayah saya bilang "kamu bekerja untuk memberi makan anak-istri kamu, kan. Saya sudah berusaha membantu itu, menyambung hidup keluarga kamu. Tapi saya kecewa kamu tidak jujur jadi saya lebih baik membantu orang lain yang jujur. Karena tujuan kamu memberi makan anak istri, aku cuma bisa bantu kamu beras (lupa berapa kuintal), cukup untuk makan setidaknya tiga bulan sementara kamu mencari pekerjaan baru." ... dan pencuri itu menitikkan air mata.

Jadi, saya pikir jika "keajaiban" ini masih terjadi saya rasa saya tahu apa yang harus saya lakukan. Dan mungkin ini juga yang Ayah saya ingin tunjukkan... pengalaman memang mambuat kita menjadi kaya.

good night

dear fitim sallahu,

good night my dear
the long day died in sunset afterglow,
good night my dear
the candles far on the sky will shine on through your beauty
good night my dear
across the dark, i send a tender kiss to sail u on the deep sleep and sweet dream.

Once...

"wpuld you come back here....? ... for me at least ?"



"yes, dear... I will definitely go back to the place where u first said u love me..."

New Obsession!

For the first time in my life I feel that I need to reduce my weight and change my eating-habit. I like to eat...a lot! literally a lot! I don't have any specific time to eat like breakfast-lunch-dinner, I eat at anytime i want to. And... this habit is unfortunately supported by the magz where I work for--I have to do the food review! Subsequently, my weight raise dramatically... it used to be okay, i didn't get affected or even bothered by my increased weight and my bulky look, up until week ago when I felt that I'm too fat and on the top of it I don't feel fit at all... it's like a wake-up call to me! So now I've became a part of these sick women who are obsessed with their weight! Ohhh... and it's pretty much suffering you know, I've been struggling to reduce my appetite and eat healthy food and... it's not easy. It's really need a commitment, some times I pity myself and it leads to excuses..in which in the end I eat junk food again and eat in irrational time and frequent. Besides, another funny part is I want to become pretty as in beautiful! Yeah... and don't ask me why! Somehow I just have a thought that I want to have a sort of memory in the future that I once beautiful and owning kind a "golden age" u know... so hilarious, isn't it ? Well...let's just see how long I can handle this pressure and become a pretty much a wacko! But then again who knows after this I transform to such a hottieeeeeeee! muahahahahahaha!Oh Gosh!

Teman Maya

" I don't know you but I want you..."

Ingatkah, ketika kecil kadang kita mempunyai teman khayalan... seseorang yang tak mampu kita raba tapi nyata...setidaknya dalam imajinasi kita. Kita berbicara dengannya, tertawa, hingga menangis--menyurahkan segala isi hati. Dan orang di sekitar kita hanya mampu memaklumi ketakwarasan pikiran kita, karena kita masih anak-anak.

Ketika kita menginjak dewasa, saya pikir teman khayalan itu masih tetap kita pelihara, meski dalam ujud yang berbeda..setidaknya di dunia saya. Bagi saya dunia maya, dunia virtual...atau internet itu merupakan dunia khayal...alam imajinasi, di mana kita bisa menjadi apa saja yang kita mau... dan tololnya orang-orang cenderung percaya akan apa saja yang tertulis di layar komputer mereka. Di sisi lain saya juga tidak menyalahkan "ketololan" itu, karena bagaimanapun orang-orang anti-sosial seperti saya lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu di depan komputer dan bukannya di dunia nyata, dan...yah ironisnya internet menjadi sesuatu yang lebih riil.

Sebagian besar teman kerja saya mempunyai teman di dunia maya... entah sebagai pelepasan dari penat kemunafikan Jakarta atau memang menjadikan dunia maya sebagai dunia yang lebih riil. Mencari teman, berkenalan hingga chatting melalui internet pun sudah menjadi hal yang lumrah... seakan kebutuhan kita sebagai makhluk sosial mampu terpenuhi dengan hanya duduk di depan komputer... dan kadang seperti saya saat ini hanya memakai piyama dan jika ingin saya bisa mengaku sedang memakai gaun malam saya dan memegang wine! semua bisa diatur... "u can be whatever u want to be in the virtual world"

Ironisnya, saya juga merupakan salah satu orang yang "bersahabat" dengan dunia maya... dunia yang menciptakan teman khayalan saya, yang selalu mampu membuat hari-hari saya menjadi lebih indah... membat saya tiba-tiba tertawa lepas di depan komputer di tengah-tengah deadline...dan semua orang berpikir saya gila karena saya "berbicara" dengan komputer saya. Dengan teman khayalan, saya tidak pernah merasa sebal...pernah kecewa karena saya "mengharapkan" sesuatu.. tetapi setelah saya pikir... ini teman khayalan, bukan sesuatu yang nyata...bukan sesuatu yang bisa kita raba... dan karenanya ia indah dan selalu membuat hati saya tersenyum.

Tapi jangan salah...saya tidak addict...dan saya tidak mencari "teman" melalui medium ini... saya menggunakannya sebagai sarana untuk "lebih saling mengenal" jadi saya tahu persis siapa teman khayalan saya ini... dia nyata... tapi hidup di alam imajinasi saya... dan akan selamanya begitu. Sementara sebagian teman saya terlalu ingin menjadikan teman maya mereka menjadi seuatu yang riil, dan seringnya mereka kecewa...dan tidak fun lagi... Saya pikir, penting untuk disadari bahwa it's a virtual world! yup... seperti kata Glen Hansard "I don;t know you.. but I want you.."

can anyone explain it to me about a thing so called "feeling" ?

indah pada waktunya

life is contains of zillion paradox, expectation...and disappointment. yet, in the end we come to realise the core or the point of every single tragedy we have experienced...eventually... once in a while we expected that thing come sooner and easier... and most of the time the reality speaks in their own words, in which wayyyy different from the one we want it to be happened. yes.. ohhh life!

people keep saying: "semua indah pada waktunya" and i do believe so... BUT [again] in the mean time when we are waiting for that particular moment, it's sooooooo soooo hard, difficult and challenging. patience is definitely the key !! but then how patience are we with the patience itself.... yup i'm now making thing even more complicated than it is, like always.

recently, i've just experienced myself the "semua indah pada waktunya" ... and it felt so amazing... though i don't really categorized my own self as a sabar woman, but hey... i do actually in a certain thing that i really want in life.. Alhamdulillah...
along the way, we do learn something in life... despite all the "instant and disposable" that this modern life has to offered... there's still something that we have to stick on.. no matter who we are and what we are... 'cos thing in the end is merely the outcome of our own action.

Sebuah Memori

Suatu hari di musim panas [kalau tak salah aku menerka waktu...], di sebuah kota di tepi sungai wear, bertenggerlah sebuah rumah berpintu kayu berteralis putih. Rumah berlantai tiga yang terletak di deretan jalan roker bernomor 73--Roker Street 73, begitu alamat rumah yang baru saja direnovasi itu. Desain luarnya yang sederhana dan lingkungan sekitarnya yang cenderung murung membuat kawasan Roker menjadi lebih suram dan terkesan "gelap"--toh itu tak meredakan keenam anak rantau untuk berkemas dari asrama kampus yang mahal dan pindah ke roker 73--sebuah harapan baru, setidaknya itulah yang kala itu tersirat.

Tidak ada yang istimewa dari keenam mahasiswa ini, kecuali mimpi-mimpi mereka yang mereka biarkan menari-nari di dunia angan mereka--menanti untuk disemai. Mimpi juga mungkin yang menyatukan keenam anak manusia ini, hingga Tuhan menggariskan mereka berpautan di suatu batas waktu, di suatu tempat nun jauh di negeri Inggris Raya, tepatnya di kota kecil bernama Sunderland.

Selaras dengan ber-mil-mil jarak yang mereka tempuh, persahabatan pun tersemai bak kehangatan khas desa galia--gemar bergelak dan berpesta kambing dan yang tak kalah penting; mendiskusikan hal-hal yang tidak penting. Yah selayaknya seorang galia namun bergelar master S2. Sederhana namun nikmat. Dan... pada saatnya pula Roker 73 menjadi pencatat sejarah dari detik-detik yang dilalui oleh perkawanan keenam mahasiswa ini.

Kala itu bulan Ramadhan, tepat di saat daun-daun mulai berguguran menanda datangnya musim dingin tak lama lagi. Melingkarlah mereka di ruang tamu berjendela besar yang menghadap ke jalanan suram Roker. Tak lama lagi kapsul waktu mereka di negeri ini akan merepih dan saatnya beranjak, melanjutkan sisa jalan yang masih tersisa. Tersadar akan sempitnya waktu yang mereka miliki, romantisme mereka pun pecah...mendadak sendu seakan menyatu dengan abu-abunya langit Sunderland senja itu.

"Aku ingin waktu berhenti di sini saja... di saat kita "muda", di saat harapan kita membumbung tinggi, di saat kita mampu menonjok congkak dunia, di saat jiwa ini hangat oleh sentuhan sahabat..." hangat terasa pipi kala itu, tetesan air mata senja telah jatuh di wajah mahasiswa-mahasiswa itu. Berjuang dengan ruang waktu. Sepi dan dingin.

"Langit kita sama... dan akan tetap sama. Kita berpayung langit yang sama, di manapun dan kapanpun. Kita berbagi langit yang sama kawan..." Tangan-tangan kecil mereka pun bermunajat kepada yang Kuasa, menengadah ke langit abu-abu lepas, menerbangkan doa, harapan dan impian mereka.

Tak peduli kapan dan dimana, kita masih memiliki ruang bersama nun di langit yang tinggi... ruang waktu dan tempat ini hanyalah sebuah meeting point jiwa-jiwa yang haus akan harapan... namun sayangnya kemenangan tidaklah tersedia di Roker 73, di Sunderland atau pun di Inggris Raya ini.

Saatnya menjadi dewasa.

Mereka berpencar bagai sinar pendar kecil ke segala penjuru, berlarian menangkap pagi... meneteskan peluh, berkejaran dengan roda waktu... menghidupkan memori kecil akan hangatnya Roker 73 layaknya sebuah lilin yang tak lelah mengarahkan mereka menuju jalan pulang--kepada mimpi dan kehangatan.

Nyatanya growing-up is a painful experience...



Sebuah memori untuk keluargaku di Roker 73. Love you and miss those times.

=)

hmmm...

i'm in love and happy

that's it...

yang sering terlupakan...

.............Bismillahirrohmanirrohim........................

Every moment of this life is filled with Your eternal radiance my Beloved, You are the Beneficent One who endlessly showers all of creation with nourishment and blessings, and the One who generously rewards those who live in harmony with Your Divine Will.

lost!

Suatu kali di bulan yang telah lalu, saya pernah berpikir bahwa sebagai manusia yang paling menyakitkan adalah ketika kita tidak mampu memahami apa yang kita inginkan. Yah mungkin tujuan... mungkin. Yang pasti, ketika saat ini saya berada dalam kebimbangan mencoba mengerti apa sebenarnya yang saya inginkan dalam hidup saya yang terasa hanya sakit hati yang mengungkung... kenyataannya, saya sungguh tak mengerti apa yang saya mau.

buat si "taman bermain"

bingung bagaimana sebaiknya saya mengejawantahkan apa yang ada dalam kepala saya saat ini... [this is exactly why I always say writing for me is more like a war, a battle to entangled the thought I have within and express it into the right sentence with the right words... ]

kalau saya mencoba menangkap intisari dari keruwetan gagasan yang ada dalam dunia pikir dan rasa saya, kata yang tepat mungkin saya bahagia. Iya bahagia mengenal dia yang namanya tak pernah saya sebutkan, dia yang membuat hidup saya penuh rasa dan warna dengan keragaman corak yang dia tawarkan.

cukup bahagia bahwa ternyata kami "berteman" bisa melepas apa pun itu... dan saya merasa beruntung. beruntung untuk keberadaannya di "dunia maya" saya, di dunia imajinasi saya tentang apa itu kesempurnaan.

dia adalah taman bermain saya. di mana saya bisa berlari-lari tanpa sepatu, menari-nari tanpa musik, bernyanyi tanpa nada, tertawa tanpa etika... seperti layaknya merayakan kemerdekaan jiwa. iya dia memerdekakan saya, bahkan membebaskan keliaran saya terbahak keras.

dia adalah alasan laptop saya menyala hampir 18 jam setiap harinya!!

entah apa sebenarnya ini tapi saya selalu merindukan "kekonyolan" apa pun yang kita ciptakan. saya penasaran, tapi saya tak mungkin menanyakan "ini apa" tapi yang saya tahu ini "sesuatu" untuk saya dan dia... karena apa pun alasan kita masih "bersama" dan masih "bermimpi"

rasanya ingin sekali berbagi senja dengannya... tentunya tanpa "formalitas" seperti ketika pertama kali kita bertemu
sebelum terlambat..
sebelum terlambat saya ingin tahu ini apa..

aneh tapi membahagiakan.

drama...drama...drama...

...

waiting anxiously

...

d' u know that this gonna be ur last chance?

...

how about ku de ta, seminyak some time next week ?
will you be there ?

...

for the last time perhaps ?
before I say "I do"


...

It Is Ephemeral...

Like I said, life is like fashion... it is ephemeral. It keeps changing in a way, sometimes it gets better and ace but most of the times we experience a slope downgrade in term of its quality as a mankind. Some people may realise it and some may not or even don't care about what so called "improvement".

I just got a kick that as a mankind I'm getting worse and worse. I lost my idealism, my sensitivity, .., and maybe else--I can't even recall it, so shameful. I used to think a lot about this life, how it is supposed to be and how to make it better and yet what I'm doing now is complaining this complaining that. Nothing really to be proud of.

My friend knocked me with my old writings dates back two or three years, it contains my pure thought of this life, something effortless and unpretentious... something that I miss a lot lately. My world now is revolving around my job in which I thought great but to be honest it's not. Look at me... my attitude has reach such a degree that I can't tolerate more. I don't get better in anything. Even when I thought I write better yet I don't think I am.

I lost a kind of "spirit" that makes me... ME... a person who has a zillion idealism and dreams. A woman who believes that life isn't supposed to be difficult in a sense of equality and humanity. Maybe I priorly lived in capsulate world where there are hopes swinging on the grey sky... and maybe I'm now grounded in this "real" world, a scope where people hide behind their own masks and prefer being an asshole yet survive than being a "human being" and trapped in a self-conflict and despair.

I used to fight for some goods, not merely for my own self but for people around me... and thus my life was a lot more at eased. [sigh]

I think on the top of that, I lost my heart... a single matter that define me as a mankind.
I'm sorry... I can't even say enough to my own self...
I hope my hope will soon emerge...

'cos life is ephemeral
it is.

I Believe In Me

a good friend of mine said that I'm worrying too many unnecessary things or "printhilan-printhilan" nggak penting in my life... which I admitted it's true... the outcome is I'm stuck and going nowhere. I'm thinking too much and calculating every single step that I'm going to take, and if I'm in doubt then I rather stay and do nothing...waiting. While other people who thinking less and prefer to take the risks are in a place which is way further than where I'm standing...

am now in the stage where i have to make decision in my life, whether to turn left or go straight... if u know what i mean.. and for sure I don't want to make a mistake because it will affected my future life, and hence, I really need to be more careful and thoughtful. ... and again as my friend said I'm thinking too much bout something that i should not worried about... and for once in my life I have to take the risk and believe in my heart that every problem that is awaiting me outside is smaller than the capability I have within to overcome it, to conquer it... I just need to believe in my self.

think she is right... and very right, in fact.
so, here I am... fighting for my belief...


just please be with me...

Love Is Overrated!

am questioning a lot about love lately.. can't help it sorry... what is it love actually? do you really think if a man and a woman decided to get married is always based on love ?? I REALLY DON'T THINK SO...

when i was falling in love about two years ago, i said to my brother... that "i'm in love..." and u know what he said? "telling the truth i don't know what love is nina, i thought i knew but i don't..." and he is married...

love is overrated!

I watched this Taiwan TV series just now:
there's a woman named Kelly who is going to get married with someone that she doesn't even love in a near time... her family arrange her marriage. the stupid part is she is in love with somebody else and still expecting this man named Marco-- who is happened to be someone else bf. Kelly even said to Marco that she is willing to break her engagement if Marco wanted to be with her... and it happened only a month before her wedding... so sick! meanwhile Marco is pretty much brainless too, he admits that he is in love and want to get married with his gf, yet he is also flirt with Kelly for more than a year, no wonder if Kelly is falling for him... it's getting chaotic when this Marco' gf found out what they've been doing behind her back... so... Kelly who is going to get married with the one she doesn't love is still expecting this Marco. meanwhile, Marco is now trying hard to ensure his gf--who eventually left him after a long run of betrayal-- that she's the one and always been the one... D'OH! it's so unfair for this man who is going to get married with this Kelly bitch and Marco's gf... don't u think?

can u all see the point ? which character do you think has the right concept of "love?"
people love the idea of "love" and fear enough of being lonely.. [like me at this moment..]

love is overrated!

Life Is Short, Do The Math!

Gosh.. there's so so many things running through my mind at the present time... wooosssaaaa... but the red line is LIFE IS SHORT!
yup it is.

on my ideal state-of-mind without no doubt i really really want to make it counts... yet, considering my "vulnerable" and broken soul at this moment that have to pay respect [to] i'm not sure which passage should i take..
look, i don't want to reach my 30 with nothing i can proud of... i might shoot my own head by then, knowing my life is just a waste... touch the ground hope that won't happen, well i'll make sure it won't happen.

i'm not certain whether any of you recognize josiah lemin.. was on the American Idol this season, he didn't make to the big 24 though but he is very talented in his 18! seriously... do check on you tube, he even wrote his own songs. Anyway, what i'm trying to say here is... I saw Josiah and how he struggle on pursuing his goals and again he is only 18!!! it's fascinating u know...

aside that i really want to be a great writer instead of typist [well this is how my editor taught me about... the difference between writer and typist.. and i'm pretty sure that i'm still a typist not yet a writer hahaha pathetic] i really want to get married!! yes.. pretty much shocking hehehe... but i do... again life is short i don't want to end up alone in this world and being that selfish bitch if you know what i mean..

there's this man who once asked me to be his wife... he is "somebody" if u know what i mean... have a good career, faultless family background, good-looking, charismatic... and yet at the same time high-hat and haughty. Taken into consideration of all his quality, he is a perfect husband-to-be.. right, right ? BUT what keeps bothering me is the fact that he is approaching his 40 this year! hahahaha exactly!!

please don't get me wrong, but for me the essence of marriage is the togetherness part... to share...to make things more easier... and me myself, I want it lasts as long as possible... though i totally understand that it's all in Allah's hand, but i must use my logic and do the math right ? hehehehe again LIFE IS SHORT!

ooh i don't know it just too many things are going on in my head right now..
and i'm so bloody lonesome in this saturday night! no wonder my mind is running here and there!
i really want to go out and play... sooo badly!
i used to be very outgoing person and love to socialise and mingle a lot, then i once reached into a certain point that i don't feel comfortable to go out with men unless he is my bf... i know sounds so naive but hey... couldn't blame that either i'm learning to be loyal u know... and became anti-social in return hahahahaha... and up until now!

I miss my old time when i was in high school... i didn't have a problem of what so called "feeling lonely" every single day i went out with different people and i felt great... so fun! and now... look at me i'm trapped in my room most of the time accompanied by my so loyal macbook! what a life!

many people thought that i'm an outgoing type of person and love to pal around and kind a party animal hahahaha.. so wrong! well i used to.... and miss that day a lot!
think this is a time that i have to go out and play again... "there are many fishes out there," my friends said. yeah... too many fishes i believe, in fact it's freaking me out...
but.. hey Life Is Short.. have to start somewhere to catch the light rite ?

The Best Man

My friend at this office told me this morning while I was having my coffee... reducing the tense and early morning stress!

"Nina, the best man is the one that can help you to reach your outmost and as well as finding the worst side of you,..."

I finished my coffee, listened to the voicemail I've just got... and it was him over the phone, left some words on my mobile on Tuesday and Thursday which I have just received this morning...


tears dropped......

please someone sing a lullaby for me... take me to the place where I can rest my soul....

What Drifting In My Soul...

...was so so unbelievable day! crazy...so many things in my plates!!!
didn't feel that today is what so called Vday! well apart from there's these flowers in my desk, every sec felt like another day.

this morning I actually remembered one of my period of time when I had relationship with this guy... years ago... after we broke up and experience another relationship with other people, I realised how sincere he was... not demanding, it was just...so pure u know... everything felt so right, calm, secure, peaceful, comfortable and settle... I was quit because some principal things, most of it because I was too ambitious and demanding.

I learn from him a lot... a lot!
and i know it's totally uneasy to love someone sincerely ... so hard and it's hurt at the same time and require a lot of effort.
When the time I was trying to do like what he did to me in a way of loving someone... it was a brutal fighting... when you give your self to the people you love with all your heart but you end up being betrayed with the one you love... it was a chaos feeling... so bloody hurt and unbearable...

when people take this Vday to express their love... well I would like to take this chance to say thank you so much for him who taught me how to love sincerely... gave me comfort in my colourful life and calm me down when my emotional peaked up...
it was on 1999 when I met him almost decade ago...
"you give me something"...

no, I don't wanna go down to that road again, don't get me wrong... life it's about moving forward, rite?

in the end of the day all we needed is someone who could calm us down, give us security and peace with its simplicity instead of roller coaster ride, thousands of roses, expensive holiday, gentle sweet words, thousand promises.........

....sigh

Life Substance

am meditating at this moment... purifying my soul. 've been so upset lately and let my self driven by my emotion with all its sparks, so exhausting indeed.

after all the tears, screams, shouts, roars,squawks, twists, punches, hysterical, broken-hearted, betrayal, a thought of revenge, denial, foul words, hatred, heart-bleed,............ and the list goes on. I come to an end that the heart of life is good.

I have chosen to be silence for a while, to pull my self together instead of spread out my anger that has no end nor edge. It just keeps circling and linger... left nothing but insanity.

I believe that by the end of the day, the truth will reveal and the fictitious will perish. There will be a day for us to yield the seeds we planted...

Amidst the hard rain and thunders, I'm content for now... Alhamdulillah

classic lesson

you never know what you've got till it's gone.

and hence,

think before you act!

A Thought of Love

You know what, I'm actually thinking about Vday! hahahaha... after I wrote my previous post, I then started thinking what did I do last year on Vday and years before ? can't barely remember to be honest..*sigh* definitely not special then hahaha!

But, in the name of LOOOOOVEEEE.... I let myself to surf anything that is related to love and me =)

*My Love Horoscope*

A torrid and exciting love affair could also spark off on 19 March and if this happens, then this relationship is bound to reach a crescendo by 28 August this year. At this point, you will either decide to take your love story to the next stage or part ways forever. The Scorpio persons having a steady love life will experience both love and passion in their relationship this year.

You will begin to like the idea of having family and children. So take advantage of your desires to tie the knot and openly give of yourself to others. Home and hearth is very crucial to the married Scorpio and you work calmly to have inner peace and create family security.


*My Favourite Movie Love Quote*

From =Harry Met Sally=

I love that you get cold when it is 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

*My Favourite Love Songs*

That's All by Rod Stewart or Michael Buble
,,,,
There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love time can never destroy.
....

*My Favourite Romantic Movie*

The classic Walt Disney "Beauty and The Beast" =)

My fav quote from this movie is:
Beast: I want to do something for her - but what?
Cogsworth: Oh there's the usual things. Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep.

yup... PROMISES YOU DON'T INTEND TO KEEP hahahaha sounds very familiar to me...

*Most Romantic Gift*

The Taj Mahal, India!!!
I think this is the best gift that a man could and should give to the woman he loves... a beautiful and graceful mosque!


*Most Romantic Book*

Al Quran... [The Koran]

Needless to say this is definitely the greatest form of love... between Allah SWT and Prophet Muhammad SAW, between ALLAH SWT and humankind in a whole, between humankind toward other human and also between human and its surrounded. Subhanallah! Maha Suci Allah dengan Segala Firman-Nya!


*My Favourite Love Poem*

Aku Ingin by Sapardi Djoko Damono

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

My February

What's on this month of loveeeeee ?
nah definitely not the month of love for me, while people make a big deal out of Valentine, I don't really get bother about it...
what I remember 'bout Feb esp this year, is the fact that I've been in this company for A YEAR... yay!!! it's actually the first time for my professional career history wkwkwkwkw.... not too bad eh? although I'm planing to quit several times, yet I'm holding on... yup that's me love to risk myself and hang on onto something that is torturing hahahaha... seriously! don't ask me why...
maybe because I'm a Scorpion... gift by this so damn loyal attitude! bastard! [sorry] =) good for the company and other including people who take advantage of it but different case for me... gah poor me!


and... oya, it was a year ago when I firstly met McDreamy hahahaha... how time flies,eh?
=) so glad that there is still something that could bring a smile into my heart and face...

Got some Valentine invitations from some hotels actually,... but it's on Thursday.. and deadline...and Gosh have an interview to do during the afternoon too... gonna be hectic! I need wines though hahahahaha... McDreamy always say wine will make ur day ten times better =D thinking to go to Val dinner for its free flow wines hahahahaha murahan banget!!!

well we'll see maybe gonna celebrate the Vday with McDreamy... commemorate one year of our first meeting hahahahaha... whateva! of course in my dream...d'oh! otherwise he's gonna be McReal!!!!!!

lets just walk on...

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

(written by U2)

macem ape...

susahnye nyari duit tu...


[gosh] have u ever felt so unmotivated on doing something ? ur job for instance ?
if you haven't been on that shoes, I'll tell you... it feels like SH** seriously...
all u get by the end of the day is merely this fatigue and left a hollow sphere within your soul
my dad told me this morning when he took me to the airport, to quit my job 'coz he could see that I'm no longer enjoying my activities... my job as a writer in this so and so company, which is TRUE.
telling the truth I'm just waiting a "right" momentum to tender my resignation letter... not really care what am I going to do next hehehe, don't really get bother about it. I don't mind to just sit and talk with my mom back home in Yogyakarta, yeah seriously I think I can live with that after years of whirl-winding emotions. I deserve a break... the fine one please.

I read Chinese prophecy this afternoon, it is based on our Shio or the year we were born, mine is Monkey. It says that this year I have to be careful and be more aware of my surrounded, there are many back stabber who are love to tackle me and to see me suffer. I was wondering this prophecy must be one year late! This last two years I've been very familiar with these back stabber people, they are around me... Always say something sweet, innocent, and such, yet they do things that hurt me a lot behind my back and smile so politely and nicely in front of me like I know nothing about what they've been doing. So shameful and disrespect indeed... all I could say is: What goes around comes around. I have always believed that we ALWAYS i mean always have to pay for hat we do, whether it is good or bad. Yes, I do believe in Karma.

Respect is not something that you gain... but it is something that you earn.

well, I may once in my life have done something dreadful toward others, hence people who I consider as my inner circle keep hurting me on and on again, I don't know which are more stupid in this case, me or them... me as I still have more and more space to forgive them and giving them chances by chances to improve or them who keep falling in the same whole over and over again. what a life.

So the bottom line is: I'm fed up with my job, so sick with these back stabbers and yet life has to move on.
guess it'll be great to have someone, yes i only need ONE person who is sincere and pure...
I hope that Allah still keep that person save for me... AMIEN.

The World Out There

Thursday, Feb 7 08

I’m in the airport lounge at this moment, waiting for my plane… yup another journey to find some answers in my life. Before I hit by this boredom, I was reading Time special edition about 2007 recap. I was reading through each page, gasping… wow.. there were billions things happened out there while I'm feeding my stupid ego. Even when I’m writing this crap now, I believe that some people in Africa dying and fight for their life or in other side of the world people got killed because of the crime or even human stupidity. Maybe, some leaders are now battling to set some strategies for the world’s peace or even to conquer Iran with its nuclear or maybe Al Gore is now in the Arctic trying to survive a polar bear life from the global warming… and… thousands new life born!

You know what I mean? and I’m here doing nothing, wasting my time, complaining why these and those… instead being a part of this human’s history! I’m ashamed with myself you know.. I can’t even figure it out what am I going to do next week… for my life for my future after I got hit by some tragedies… so ironic. I should’ve done better than this… and I know I can do better than this. No, I don’t wanna be a hero or whatsoever, I just want to live my live to the fullest. I’ve done enough stupidity with my life… and guess it’s about the time to do something good, to pursue things that are already written for me and been waiting to be fulfilled.

I want to be a part of the history… so then one day I can tell my children and grand children that my life is not a waste!

....

فَبِأَيِّ آلاءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ

last bite...

I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think
we’re alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
with every passing day
We’re not ok

But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

--pills, the perisher

crazy crazy...

have you ever felt so so irritated by someone or something ???
oohh seriously it's been happening to me for this last one and a half year. bloody hell, i don't even know how to cope with it anymore... being nice is just so wrong. cos no matter how nice you are but if people are keep bothering you and stabbing you from your back, ohhh there'll be a time when you feel you need to stand up and shout " ennnnnooooooooouggggghhhhh!!!!" seriously!

and i have had enough with this crazy woman!
u such a pathetic, contemptible, hopeless, despicable, disrespectful woman... stop twisting words and facts u moron!
and accept the fact that u r not more than a loser, back stabber and a very very well words twister and story teller!
am so sorry for this man who is going to marry her... am so sorry for you man!
oooohhhh you'll see, what's goes around comes around... it will come back to you, i promise you
and... i will never forgive you!

forget about the angelic nina or respectful me or else....

[so sorry for all these craps... am feeling so bloody frustrated with this bloody woman...]
sinting!

my new playground

after a long of ignorance, i finally manage to "fix" my multiply hehehe... so please do pop in [http://lifeparade.multiply.com/] think am goin to post my blurb there more often rather than in this site... i put some of my dining reviews too, fun indeed... and my fav songs, photos, etc.

oya, have a nice weekend !

surrender

we may say that we cannot predict the future. this life is somehow unpredictable, one day we laugh so much the next day we cry like hell and the other day we experience the uncertain mood which is indeed annoying.

yet, there are some exact things that every human being will experience, like our circle of life. like being born and death eventually... we grow up and old, testify the new baby born and experience the lost as well... something that we don't like yet we cannot avoid it. something called it's written.

the question is how good we manage ourselves to cope with our circle of life ?

we are familiar with the word "ikhlash" or i guess in English it's called surrender or sincere.. my parents always say to go through this life with sincerity or being ikhlash for whatever we get, whatever we have to go through and whatever we have to release.. whether we like it or not. the things is we don't posses goods we thought we do.. all are from our Khaliq. it's only an entrusted.

if He think we are being "amanah" enough or trustful He'll give His "ridho" to us, and if it's not He'll taking it back.. and most of the time we are angry, mad, disappoint, frustrated.. the bottom line is we are not ikhlash and surrender ourselves unto Him.
greedy it is.

why am i so negative lately it's merely because i'm not ikhlash on walking on my life... i can't accept many issues that have been hovering around my life, i somehow confronted instead 'coz i have always thought that i deserve better and it's not supposed to be happened and series of other yada yada yada...

i've just lost my precious good yesterday, ironically this good has both intrinsic and extrinsic values. am screwed indeed... i felt so mad of course yet at the same time i found a lil voice that keep whispering my head and heart up until now that i have to be ikhlash and let it go.. maybe this good was not good for me.. maybe without i realised it i have became conceited.. maybe...

i thankful for this "warning" to be honest. maybe this is one of the ways to wake me up from this hedonism. that life isn't about haha hehe... that i really have to turn my life direction immediately, heading to the pathway that will take me to get closer to Him.

when people say there will always a reason behind any incident.
and i do believe so.

Hasbunallah wanikmal wakil... Nikmal maulana waanikman nashir..

memaafkan...

Bapak saya adalah seorang pemaaf. Disakiti dan dikhianati sedalam apa pun dia tidak menaruh dendam. Kesal mungkin selama beberapa saat, tidak lama, setelah itu hatinya memilih membebaskan racun kebencian. Memaafkan. Bahkan ketika saya anaknya belum mampu memaafkan orang-orang yang menyakiti bapak saya, ia telah berjabat tangan dan berbincang hangat dengan orang-orang munafik itu.

Saya baru mengerti bahwa memafkan itu sulit akhir-akhir ini. Ketika saya menyadari bahwa saya mempunyai sisi "gelap", ketika saya menemukan bahwa amarah itu mengerikan, membutakan dan menyakitkan.

Bapak saya mudah percaya dengan orang, karenanya ia banyak dimanfaatkan oleh orang. Dan tetap memaafkannya. Saya susah mempercayai orang dan sangat pemilih dalam bersahabat. Karenanya ketika saya dikecewakan oleh orang yang sudah saya percaya, sakit saya tak terperi. Marah yang bergulung-gulung.

Dan saya sedang mengalaminya.

Dan saya tak bisa memaafkan, meski tahun telah berlalu... rasa marah, kecewa, sakit hati masih terus berada di tempat yang sama. Tidak bergeming.
Melelahkan.

Sedihnya, ketika orang yang membuat saya kecewa sakit hati telah berjalan pergi dan "melupakan" apa yang telah ia perbuat dan berharap "waktu akan menyembuhkan luka" dan... itu salah.
Memaafkan itu bagi saya ternyata tidak mudah.

Jujur, saya terkejut dengan kenyataan bahwa saya bukan orang yang pemaaf.
Ini pertama kali dalam hidup saya, saya begitu kecewa dan sakit hati dengan orang dan.. belum bisa melupakan dan memaafkan.

Melelahkan.

Saya rasa saya akan menjadi orang yang menang ketika saya mampu membebaskan luka ini dan berdamai dengan diri saya, dengan luka yang tertancap dan menjadi bijaksana seperti bapak saya.
Bapak yang seorang pemaaf.

Saya belum memaafkan... dan tidak pernah lupa.

Happy New Hijri Year 1429

I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Hijri Year 1429. Today is the first day of Muharram, the first month of the Islamic calendar.

May it be a blessed, happy and joyful new year for you all bringing you prosperity, success and great health. Ameen!

Although Indonesia is a country with the most populated moslem in the world, yet since I was born I haven't seen that Islamic New Year is celebrated the way the common New Year is. I wonder why ?
Shame on... us!

Anyway, am not a pious definitely BUT of course i have always wanted to be a better moslem and that gonna be my goal or resolution or whatever...

All the best everyone !

Walk Away Anthem

Throughout this life sometimes we have to make a dreadful decision, the toughest one...
sometimes it is dealing with our "love life"
I myself believe that we can't choose our partner in life --husband or wife. I do believe that it is written, hence no matter we love and in love with a person sometimes we have to walk away. sometimes.
Other thing what I've experienced, love doesn't come often... sometimes we thought it is love but the fact it's mere a crush. Love comes for those who believe in tolerance, share, commitment, loyalty, forgiving and respect. Indeed it's not cheap.
I'm lucky I've found the one I love and love me in return, whether he's going to be my husband in the end... it's in His power, we do our best =) and... yup it's not cheap and easy.
To be honest, we've been struggling to hold onto what we have and let it blooms. Some people come and go in our circle to distract and destroy what we have, don't ask me why... I don't have a clue either.
Now, when I look back I can say with a smile : "those were some good lessons for us to grow stronger" instead of damaging our circle.

So, this song is dedicated to them who once ever tried to break up our circle =) Thank you for giving us colours!
Apologize for those who once felt that me or him was in the same path or direction. We weren't.
Perhaps, this is a good start for me and also my bf, to leave all the things behind --suspicion, jealousy,etc... new year with a new blank page... =)

Well, I don't know how they really feel yet this may one of their anthem... =p
btw, this song titled Walk Away by Ben Harper, very nice tune if anyone want to download.

"Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door."

...another 500 miles

2008 is coming and yeah I would walk another 500 miles... and more as this journey continues on...
what is it like ? hmm... that's the art of it, we never know mate... and thus we are growing beautifully as our soul blooming through its pain and joy.

2007 indeed has taught me many precious lessons from family, work, love and life itself. Am not proud of myself nor things that I've done throughout 2007, i didn't do much to be honest, I was somehow stuck in a certain point. Bad Nina! However, as it is things always happen for reasons, rite ?

One of some things in 2007 that I should be grateful is, I make a very good friends in my working place. Think, that the highlight of my 2007... we all know that friend is hard to find... they maybe there but many of them are not really "there" if you know what i mean... and these people just gorgeous, love them... love you dears!