57 seconds

I went to Aksara bookstore this afternoon, I found a book entittled "Fifty Seven Seconds" . When I saw it in a glance, I immediately understood wht the book is all about, ... yes it is about Yogyakarta' earthquake that hit on late May last year. I was there, I testified the gloomy Saturday. Yes I'm a part of that history. I bought it straight away despite on its bloody expensive price... yet I think it's worthed... again it is a documentation of a drama in my life.

I have read it. It touched me deeply. I was a part of that drama....

I remember, my house was the only one that wasn't damage, Alhamdulillah, the houses surrounded were badly damage and collapse. More than seven of my close neighbours were died. My best friend parents , both were died at once. I was shocked.

That early morning I was still on my bed, sleeping. When the earth started rumbling, I felt that my body had thrown away from my bed, I fell on the floor, hit my red laptop. I was trying to stand up and walk, didn't work... then I crawl, trying to get out from my room. I looked at my parent's room, the door was shut down, so I thought they weren't there since the night before they said that they are going to exercise early morning. I ran outside, all I could think was getting out the house safely. I didn't know what time it was.

I managed to get out from my house where I found almost all of my neighbours were on the street, panicked. I asked my maids where were my mom and dad, none of them were answered my Q, they were shocked. I slapped one of them to wake them up cos I needed to know where were my mom and dad. One of them said that they trapped inside.

Without saying a word, I ran back inside my house when the earth still swinging, I couldn't remember how I managed to get in. I saw my mom and dad were crawling to reach their room's door. When I was going to help them, I saw scattered glasses everywhere... I knew once I stepped in, it would torn my skin. My dad shout "stand there and find a flip-flops for mom"
I grabbed any flip-flop for my dad and mom... and I wore one for me... I passed through the living room where all my mom' crystal decoratives were cracked all over the floor.

I helped my dad to hold-up and support my mom, she was shocked, panicked and stressed. My mom and dad kept praying while I headed them to go outside the house. When I realised, the view outside was so so horrible, it was just something you never had imagined in your life and the least thing you wanted to experience in this world. I saw 80% of the buildings around my house were collapse, people were crying and shouting... so chaotic. I dragged a chair from the terrace to the street, I asked my mom to sit and calm herself down.

Everybody were still wondering what was just happened, no one had a clear clue. I remembered my brother who lived at the north part of Yogya, near Mount Merapi. Everybody thought the earthquake cause by the volcanic mount activities. And that was why I was so worried bout my bro, I didn't remember how my dad' mobile was in me.. anyway I tried to call him billion times, the network was so bad, couldnt got through. I was panicked, knowing that even in my area where it is miles away from the mount was badly affected, how about there ? My mom was crying so much...

the second after, my neighbours were histerical, they started to find that they missed their family members.

Gosh! then another earthquakes were hit... followed by another scream,... I stood still next to my mom. She was ill at that time. I didn't want to take a chance to leave her in any second.

Somehow I knew it was still 6 am!

My brother and my sister in-law shown-up after some times, we were so relieved to see them alright. He was so surprised knowing that the neighbourhood was affected so badly. We talked and discuss about all the possibilities, how about if another big scale earthquakes were struck, how about if the tsunami happend... how... how... We both tried our best to use our logic and made smart decision for the family especially for our mom.

Then everyone were running and screaming.."tsunami...tsunami...tsunami.." My mom was so panicked and wanted to run away with the mass. I hold her and asked her to sit, I looked up at the sky at the south where the south sea is, then my brother and I gazed each other... "it'll be fine, no tsunami.. InshAllah" my dad and some of my neighbour shout "no tsunami, calm down... just calm down... " some of them were listened, many of them were so panicked and run... My brother and I learned from Aceh tragedy, the signs of tsunami. One of the lessons is the nature sign, when the animals -in our case birds- are flickering away from the sea it means we are in danger.

No Tsunami.

After a while, we were shocked by the numbers of us who were injured. Some of them were trapped on the buildings. And they were dying. I didn't know what should I do... after a while, I saw dead... and another dead...and another....
I was so stressed!

For more than a week, my house then became a kind of barrack. lot of my neighboors were sleeping in the garage and terrace. None of us were actually have a gut to be in the building. We were traumatic... since hundred of small and medium scale of earthquake were still hit.

Me my self and my family went to our other house outside the city--for the safety reason-- felt so bad since we had to be away from our suffer neighbour, but I think it was the best decision that my brother and I made. My mom were bit mad at us, cause we were so hard on her. We don't want to endanger her and we love her so much... that's why.. well maybe we were bit over-protective...

The recovery is still going on till today. For sme of us, they have to pay this drama very very expensive by losing their beloved ones and their treasures. I can say, me and my family were so lucky and we are so grateful...

In the end, we simply human rite ? so weak and fragile... and what I've learnt was we can't choose when, where and how the death greets us.

yeah... it was merely 57 seconds drama... with more than 6000 people died.

only 57 seconds.

Married ?

Is it true that marriage can change people life ? Maybe in a way, yeah.
I read my friends' blog last night, they just got married not so long ago, and I envy their beautiful soul, u know... they have became mature and wiser on perceiving this life. I believe that marriage is good well therefore it's becomes an obligation for moslem. Telling u the truth I definitely not that married type of woman, I think about it a lot yes, but not to go to that direction yet how to avoid that and find the perfect justification. I don't see the idea of living together with same person for the rest of my life is suit to me... not that I am not loyal, d'oh! It's just the willingness to share, to tolerate, to dedicate... and so forth and so on just makes me hard to breath, seriously. Maybe something wrong with me but... that's how it is.
I was thinking to get married at the soonest last night, and... I was stressed and freaked out! it's not that I don't believe in my partner, I do believe him so much that he'll bring such a joyful life to me... I don't believe in my self that's the thing! I'm totally screw! Gosh, I am twenty something and having this life crisis! Anyone, do you know how to beat this paranoid ? I want to move on with my life... u know the thing with "the rest of your life" is stressing me out!!! How do these people easily decided to get married? oh My... Help me!

Velentine ??

do u know how it feels to get hundred roses ???? i tell u, it feels amazing!! it'll makes ur day instantly, seriously!!! and that's what happnd to me today !!! I've just got bunch of red roses two days ago from my baby and today hundred red roses delivered in my desk!!! WOW!!! hahahahahaha... I successfuly made everyone in my office envy me, even my ME hahahaha, he even said, "Nina it's about a time to ask a black diamond instead of roses!" My first reaction when I knew I got these roses was speechless! I opened my mouth and.. couldn't found a perfect words to describe my emotion... I was touched to be honest and couldn't stop smiling, even now =) =) =) and the other thing I also got chocholate cake from The Park Lane Hotel and... a Swing CD from one of my sources... feels like valentine or birthday today! so so happy... thank you so much my deary... Thank you.... xoxoxox

old folks

setiap Ramadhan bagi saya selalu membawa kenangan-kenangan lama... tentang apa aja dan siapa saja. Ramadhan kali ini saya banyak teringat masa-masa saya di Yogya. Ramadhan di Yogya selalu istimewa bagi saya, yah mungkin waktu itu saya benar-banar mampu menikmati dan menghayati hikmah dan makna Ramadhan, tidak seperti akhir-akhir ini, banyak ter-distract dengan hal-hal duniawi yang saya jadikan "penting" dalam hidup saya, menyedihkan memang! Subuh ini saya menyadari bahwa manusia-manusia yang dulu menghiasi Ramadhan saya semua sudah berkeluarga! ahh, pastinya mereka saat ini sedang mengalami Ramadhan yang lebih "berwarna" dengan adanya orang-orang tercinta di samping mereka. Sementara saya sudah delapan tahun terakhir ini sahur sendirian, dan masih tetap sendiri di tempat-tempat yang berbeda. Tidak complain kok, hanya hmmm yah sedikit "berpikir" hehehehe... Dalam stage tertentu mungkin teman-teman saya ini sudah mapan, setidaknya setengah tujuan hidup manusia di dunia sudah mereka lampaui. Sementara saya hmmm masih mengejar-ngejar beberapa hal dalam hidup saya. Mungkin dalam point tertentu dalam hidup mereka, mereka sudah merasa puas and thus mereka telah mampu untuk menikah dan bekomitmen. Mungkin saya belum cukup percaya diri dengan apa-apa yang saya miliki saat ini... makanya saya masih mencari-cari dan milih-milih, iya benar HAREE GENEE, hehehehe. Tapi saya tahu juga dalam certain phase, teman-teman saya yang sudah berkeluarga akan melihat saya dan bilang "enak banget ya jadi elu, nggak punya beban, bebas 'n bisa kemana-mana." Yah, rumput tetangga kan selalu lebih hijau bukan ? Saat-saat tertentu di Ramadhan, saya ingin sekali kembali menghidupkan memory saya, menghubungi kembali teman lama dan bercerita, but damn mereka sudah menikah dan berkeluarga. Exactly, saya tidak mau mencari dan manjadi "masalah" dalam hubungan orang lain apalagi yang sudah berkeluarga, karena somehow saya sadar saya "akrab" sekali dengan "masalah" hehehehe... yah perkara hubungan saya SERING diganggu orang itu perkara beda lagi, toh what goes around comes around kan ? Makanya saya mencoba menjaga itu. Saya merindukan Ramadhan yang telah lalu... kapan ya saya bisa memaknai Ramadhan seperti sebelum-sebelumnya atau bahkan jauh lebih bermakna... InshAllah semoga Tuhan masih memberi kesempatan saya untuk meraih kemenangan-kemenangan Ramadhan Amien. Btw, saya kangen "gigi dua membawa pensil!"

Semesta Bertasbih

It's Ramadhan.... Alhamdulillah... I really think that Ramadhan is tailored for the people like me. I've been away to far gone from Him... and I miss Him so much... and all these setbacks that i've been experiencing InshAllah will only take me closer to Him.. and after some times, I feel I am Ikhlash for whatever I've been through and I've been experiencing... I even feel so grateful for His tets... Alhamdulillah...

Here is one of my fav Islamic songs from Opick, Semesta Bertasbih =) one of the songs that giving me goose bumps!

Semesta bertasbih padaMu
Sucikan dirimu lafadzkan asmaMu
Gunung-gunung bintang makhlukMu
Mentari rembulan tunduk taat padaMu
Alloh Alloh ya robbi

Alam raya di dalam nafasnya
Berdzikir agungkan tidak pernah berhenti
Burung yang terbang di angkasa
Di laut pun semua mensucikan asmaMu
Tiada satupun pengingkaran alam padaMu
Tiada satupun pengingkaran hati setiap makhlukMu

Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh Aloh
Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh
(diulang 2x)

(Subhanalloh)
Subhana malikil kudus
Subuhun kudusun robbuna
Wa robbul malaikatu warruf
Tiada satupun pengingkaran alam padaMu
Tiada satupun pengingkaran hati setiap makhlukMu

Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh Aloh
Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh

(Subhanalloh)

Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh Aloh
Ya robbi ya robbi Alloh

lesson of the day

I just really want to say: Free your self, do not let other control ur life and... the most important thing is u have to believe in your self! SERIOUSLY.....

silver lining...

I had a very very very bad day yesterday... very bad... how bad ? well in the scale of 0-10 it was 8! seriously for the first time in my life I let myself cried in front of other people...I just can't hold it anymore, I did try very hard, but I was so upset! Yet, like what people say, "semua pasti ada hikmahnya" and it's very right indeed! At that time I realised that I have great friends at the office.... they are wicked! I feel I belong to them... they made me thousands times better! and It touched me a lot!
they defended my silver lining... and somehow it actualy made me even more sad =( I'm devastated... this is the time when I have to be smart and wise to make a decision... and it's indeed very very very difficult. I never thought it'll be this difficult!
*sigh* I just want to take this time to say THANK YOU for all my friends who hold me up yesterday, I realise that; they keep me going this far... I'm so grateful and thankful that I have them! U rock congssssss!!!! =)

What's lingering in my head now is this lyrics from Kenny Rogers : "You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, Know when to walk away and know when to run. "

.... and I guess is about the time to walk away and definitely with my dignity and my chin up! *sigh*

love on hold

"why u haven't married yet ?" he asked me one day, and I returned the same question to him "woman expects the world from a man," he answered. "We are not... well at least I'm not," I countered his reason, "So what do you expect from a man young lady?" "I just demand a simple thing telling you the truth, 'cos my life has been extraordinary in a way and all I need is simplicity." "simple for you doesn't mean simple for a man." "maybe, that's why I haven't marry yet..." "that's why we stay single."

we both smiled.

we are two busy people. I spend all my times working as a writer, and he runs his company and travels frequently, we don't have much time think about a life beyond our job. pethatic ? maybe yet we enjoy what we are doing. And hence we share the same slice of cake.

I said to him in the other day, "you know the older and higher you are, it will only makes the marriage evenmore..." "it goes for you young lady, not for a man, I don't find it that way." "that's not fair, why man always intimidated by a successful woman and not the other way around?" he laughed and said "look at you, you are bossy, I can imagine you'll bossing me around if I marry you."

I insulted.

"I failed three times on my engagement," he confessed. "three bloody times ? and you're not even learn ? I'm sorry." "don't be..." "you made a move and tried, at least." I said sincerely. "When you've found your love, you have to know the way to keep him, " he advised me. " I nodded, "IF..."

we put love agenda on hold with different reasons I guess. He's trying to be fair, since he knows he can't play it right at this moment due to his business matters which in his mind worth for his life. I my self struggle to put it back in my priority after some set backs. But somehow I think he is right, we have to play it right, and don't do thing if we don't even know how to do it right.

Love on hold.

"I do wanna give a chance for this," he said and I smiled, "In our age I think we should give a more space to love."

It Might be You

Time... I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life...
Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly
Wishing there would be
Someone waiting home for me...

Something's telling me it might be you
It's telling me it might be you...
All of my life...

Looking back as lovers go walking past...
All of my life
Wondering how they met and what makes it last

If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?
Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it might be you

So many quiet walks to take
So many dreams to wake
And we've so much love to make

I think we're gonna need some time
Maybe all we need is time...
And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
Yeah, it's telling me it must be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...
It's you..
It's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Maybe it's you...
Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

Maybe it's you...
Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

when your heart tells he is the one [?]

Is it when your heart ponders every time you think about him or you see his picture ? Or after some years you’ve been together and finally make some adjustment ? Can we tell that someone is our “the one” instantly ?
Do you believe if man and woman who have similar face character they might be a true couple ?
I am going to my friend wedding in a second and I just looked at a picture and I smiled and so did my heart… A glance picture about “us” makes me wondering what the feeling is this ? cos telling you the truth I don’t believe in love anymore, yet I do believe that we as a human being need to share and companion. I know I don’t wanna be alone by the end of the day. In my 50, I want to share a cup of hot choc while enjoying the sunset and reminiscing the old days… and even walk through the autumn leaves with the man who make me become a beautiful soul.
*sigh*Yet today, I think I haven’t found what I’m looking for, though I want to believe that I have. I’m just so afraid to slip again.

a matter of trust

how easy are you to trust people ?
me ? hmmm so damn difficult. I am very hard person but once I decided to trust people, I'll trust him/her whole-heartedly, and once I've got betrayed... bye bye! Well for me it's very reasonable 'cos I am a loyal person since i do realise that it is hard for me to trust and find someone who really can feed my soul, that's why I don't have much best friends and I tend to stuck with the same person for a very long time. And therefore I take care of them...
I experienced betrayal for couple of times in my life, by some people surround me, even by people who I used to considered as best friend or lover. Hurt ? indeed.
The thing about betrayal is, I had never prepared for that, I hail people whom I love. And when the reality bites, it's oh so damn painful. Most of the times, I choose not to get involve with those people who betrayed me, I just can't live with the fake hypocrite people. I hence cut off the relation I had, and I did couple times. Hard at the beginning but I feel okay in the end, even more when I remember the hurt, the pain, the dissapoinment and all the shits... I think I'm not easy to forgive people and forget what they had done into my life. As far as I remember I have never forgiven people who betrayed me.
How about second chance ? I don't know... Do people really change and learn from their past ? I'm not sure.. some people just take things for granted and live with their habits. And indeed you'll never know what you've got till its gone. How about if there's no second chance ? How long will you wait for the second chance ? Will you give a chance for the second chance ? Is there any guarantee that the second chance will give you a better result? And why am I trying so hard to believe the thing that I know I can't do it ???? I am trying to trust my self that I am able to put my trust back to a person who had betrayed me in a big way! One lesson, do not expect people to trust you when you don't even know what you are doing!... and please do think the impact of your action, when you demand other people to respect you... By the end of the day, you'll get what you paid for. What goes around, comes around right ?

last sunset KU DE TA

last day in Bali, damn. tried to extend it till tomorrow but no luck... fully booked flight! have to be happy with this late late nite flight then. Planning for the last day ? going to try to have this lunch in the coffee corner at Seminyak, then look around some boutique there and.... last sunset at KU DE TA, is a must! was planning to jump to HardRock pool, don't think will b able to make it! anyway... let's just enjoy what I have left... while dreaming bout McDreamy with martini =p, n btw, the pic was in the hotel I stay with Kucrit... quite okay hotel..