ping pong song !

Gosh! I'm obsessed with this ping pong song! just can't get away from my mind ! ...do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away... once I watched Enrique' concert on [V] and I think he is a good entertainer... and ehm.. sizzling!...do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed... Try to listen the Spanish version, it's hotter !! Dímelo por que estas fuera de mi? Y al mismo tiempo estas muy dentro... Dímelo sin hablar y hazme sentir todo lo que yo ya siento...

cogito ergo sum

I somehow remember what Descrates said once, cogito ergo sum or the original statement was je pense donc je suis hmm... which is means "I think therefore I am." and how about if you think too much ? I would say like me... you just spend hours and hours to think and somehow you delay the act or even you forget to act. I just read in my mom magz that if you think too much you'll have a chance to get the "curse of the talented" which is: depression. Sounds so familiar to me. The abstract and complicated way of thinking some times lead to a self harm instead of simplification if we can't apply it well. I am wondering is there any ways to stop the curse ? or... even to quit thinking for a while. It is good to think a lot, obviously, but it's harmful if we think too much. I delay many things in my life... I consider a lot of things before I act, good if I'm not late... but then it'll be a waste if I'm late or if things have gone, what the avail of thinking, analyzing and considering rite ? My Belgium friend told me that I should've made a move at that time... yeah... I should... and I'm late and thing remains in my fantasy without me knowing whether there'll be a second chance or not and I keep wondering how about if... not healthy of course. I might exist since I'm thinking and I wait till I feel I have to make a move... but again things don't wait some times thus there won't be a need of my existence.

home

Hit Yogya this afternoon, so damn hot! Many things were crossing my mind when I opened my home' front door... "will it remain 'my home' or... merely a family' symbol?" I managed my self to step inside my parent's home, a 28 year-old building, greener and more natural. My mom managed to plant some trees and orchids and all are blooming at this present time, nice and calming. She welcomed me with her warmest smile and couldn't help her surprised look, I didn't tell her that I was planning to go home... Did it intentionally as a sweet surprise for her =) My mom looked tired, her eyes tell that she's been through a lot of things.

Talked with her for hours, was listening to her bittersweet experiences since my absence and pour her heart out bout the things that brought me home at this moment. "I know mom... I know more than you think... I know mom". For all these times I always thought that I'm lil daddy' girl, I have the values and quality that possessed by my dad, yet I was wrong. Recently I realised that I am my mom... and today I know for sure that I am my mom. They way she's dealing with the agony... the conceive way of thinking in which sometimes people thought that we complicated things instead of simplify it.

When the noon got older, the weather started to becomes so friendly. I then asked my mom to celebrate the pleasant weather by going out with becak! haven't done it for about four years! She agreed. I took her to a renowned Beringharjo, a traditional market near Malioboro street. Bought some traditional canapees. Was so lovely. For the first time in my life, when I was in becak I actually thought that I might be able to live in this city... might... Thanks for the becak and the friendly weather that created a lil bliss for me and especially my mom.

no marriage

Since, I can't trust any man no more, therefore I don't believe in marriage as well.
Maybe time will heal the pain... maybe not...
I don't care...

Taman Bermain

Sudah tiga hari ini saya bermain-main di tempat kerja... what a surprise ! after all the head over heels, bisa juga bernafas dan merasakan 'bermain' di kantor yang seperti taman kanak-kanak ini =) Majalah edisi Agustus siap cetak, Managing Editor business trip ke Korea... Harry Potter menanti, these are what so called fine days ! Hmm... DA/MAN is awaiting actually but.. bugger off can't be bother to write up the article at this moment. I do deserve a break, don't I ?

Among all the sparks yang ada di kantor ini, ada satu hal well more than one actually reasons to stay and to be thankful for... teman-teman kerja yang amat sangat menyenangkan dan editor yang mempunyai reputasi tingkat dunia... oya plus pemandangan menyegarkan McDreamy and McSteamy...yummy !!! Well, regardless all the works loads 'n "devil wears Hermes" bos ya... well nothing is perfect in this world rite ?

I once said to myself actually that I reckon this place as a learning place like school. I've been learning a lot since the first date I joined this company about six months ago, and definitely so glad for having this such opportunity =) Telling the truth my English writing' skill is better than I was in the UK, seriously, during those times I did a lot of practical thing than theoritical. I made radio programmes rather than doing exams... So... it kind a balance to me. After all, life is about making an equity, rite ?

Jadi mari kita bermain-main di taman yang penuh keriangan ini =D merasakan semua kerlap-kerlip dan gegap gempita-nya. One day, I know I'm gonna miss these days... so let's live it up !!

bitter sweet weekend

Spent the weekend to visit Hito. Went there on Sat morning with Kucrit and Nandy, was too late to be able to get into the ICU, instead we met Hito's mom. She started to share 'bout the day when Hito got accident and days before. It reveals some episodes of Hito's life that we never knew before. Fell so bad to listen to his mom, since can't do anything to make things lightener in some ways.

Afterwards, we went for very late lunch at our favourite spot, Wing's Dome- Citos. Me 'n Nandy were thinking to go back to the hospital later on together with Buncil and other Pletok's member. While we were having our brunch, we talked 'bout our crisis... "why..why and why" . To sum up, I think we are too comfortable in our zone. And I'm sure in time when one of us decided to take the next step of this life and move on (read: get married), it will break us down...

Reach the hospital around 7 pm and met some friends. Everybody went to Hito's apart from me. Decided to wait outside the ICU and asked Nandy to tell Hito that I was there. It's just one of my thing that I don't see family or friend during their intensive treatment. Part of the reasons I reckon are caused by the trauma. Bad experience with hospital, too many bad things happened in the past. Although everybody were pushing me and trying to give some solutions so then I have a gut to see Hito but... no no no. I'm so sorry, I just can't.

Thanks God, he's getting better. He is starting to give respons everytime people around him and talk with him through his hands, although he hasn't concious yet, don't ask how is it possible, that's my question too. Further about his real recent condition, we don't know 'cos none of us are having an access to talk directly to the doctor.

The fact that many questions come up regarding to the accident is undeniable.. some friends are now trying to find out what really was going on on a day when Hito had an acc. There's no report at the police department, no witness, nobody even know who was taking him to the hospital, and why this hospital instead of the nearest one from its site, who said at firt place about how did the acc happen, and... even there isn't any hole along Cassablanca tunel as it is mentioned in its story. What happened on that day ?

When the night got old, we decided to play some tricks with our severe condition of dealing with the questions... went to Karaoke. Yes that's our ritual actually, to relieve the stress.. by sing along... embracing the bitter sweet of life.

grey sky in the sunny day

I wore a black shirt and dark grey trouser yesterday... with no certain reason. I remember I changed black shirt with collar with the one with no collar, same colour-black. Why I felt I want to wear black on sunny thursday ? I don't know. Sometime people relating black to a misery... or a bad sign or even to hide our fat.

Last nite I've got a news that a friend of mine got a motorbike accident. Bad accident. Very bad. He was riding a motorbike with his friend, and his friend was died. My friend himself, he is lying in ICU, unconcious, coma, his brain swelled. I shocked and... I cried somehow.

I didn't go to the hospital, was too late and moreover I can't see him suffer. To be more precise, I can't deal with it just yet. I decided to talk with God, instead. I prayed... and reciting Quran for the first time after I don't know for how long. I forgot how beautiful and powerful the verses are... and in some ways Hito (my friend's name) alarms me.

I don't even know whether I want him to wake up or not considering his pain. The doctor said, he'll be so damn painful if he's wake up. I ask Him to ease his pain... to give him a sweet nice dream during his coma.
I do want him around.I do. Regardless we don't spend much time together after uni, yet knowing he is around it makes us feel good.Just... delightful.

He is a good man. And I know God loves good person. What I don't know is His plan.

kosong

Saya merindukan suatu kebahagiaan yang sederhana... seperti bisa menikmati enaknya teh hangat dan membaca buku di sore menjelang senja. Iya saya merindukan senja...
Bahkan saat ini saya membayangkan saya sedang bersantai di pinggir pantai dengan lukisan senja di depan mata... sensasi sederhana yang membuat kita merasa damai.

Semenjak saya tinggal di Jakarta saya melewatkan banyak moment dalam hidup saya... Banyak sekali hal yang harus saya lakukan dan lewati yang membuat kenikmatan teh itu menjadi sangat mahal. Dan ini berlangsung sudah satu setengah tahun, menyedihkan. Saya bekerja dan belajar hidup, itu yang saya lakukan.

Jakarta menyadarkan saya bahwa hidup itu seperti kata Forrest Gump, like a box of chocolate, kita tidak pernah tahu rasa apa yang kita dapat. Satu setengah tahun ini sama dengan lima tahun hidup saya yang lalu, pembelajarannya. Berlebihan ? Saya rasa tidak. Saya bertambah tua lima tahun dalam jangka waktu yang cukup pendek karena episode hidup yang saya lalui.

Saya rindu senja. Rindu keindahan sederhana. Saya ingat ketika saya di Sunderland begitu gampang rasanya menikmati kedamaian yang ditawarkan angin laut. Terkadang saya hanya terduduk di tepi laut dengan cokelat panas dan kentang, sakit saya terobati, lara saya tersapu. Di waktu lain saya menikmati keromantisan bulan bulat, saya berdansa di bawah bulan purnama bersama pacar. Setelahnya kami berjalan-jalan, bertukar cerita dan tawa. Tak ada luka, tak ada tangis.

Ketika itu tidak terlintas di pikiran saya kalau ternyata semua kesederhanaan itu berharga sangat mahal. Sangat mahal. Kebahagiaan itu tidak terbeli, dan itu nyata.

Jakarta membuat saya bekerja 12 jam sehari. Membuat saya lupa warna senja. Membuat saya tidak mempunyai hati lagi. Menyadarkan bahwa waktu menggilas kita. Mengingatkan saya bahwa benar manusia dalam keadaan merugi.

it's good to understand ur limit

I just can't understand why some people just can't measure their own capacity... pardon me if I'm starting to crap.

I have to translate this woman's article... and she is a well-known architecture writer who once worked in some magazines and has published some books here...
So, I thought that; okay I just need to traslate into English... no big deal... though still I can't get it why she wrote in Bahasa while she knew she write for English magazine... (simply idiot)

But when I started to read her article... bloody fucking hell... she can't even makes a sentense !!! seriously seriously, I'm not try to exaggerate thing here... I asked my other friends to help me to get the point of what is she trying to say... and none of my friends were understood... they laughed so much and just can't beleive what they just read!

...and she got paid for writing that crap!

and I have to rewrite her article and make her look good..... lucky bastard !
I dont have a clue how come she already published some books .... very good editor behind, I believe!

...and she got paid for writing that crap! (AGAIN)

...Hiduplah Indonesia Raya..

just watched the football match, Indo vs Korea (Asia Cup)
and we.. lost 1-0
after all... we have proven to the world that we revived =)
and we should proud of them...
we have to !

magic and logic...

thinking the possibility of combining the magic and logic... can it be a logical magic ? or magically logic ?

i'm waiting for the magically logic at this present time.. you know when the magical thing come into happen and it feels so sensible... yeah I'm looking forward to that one...

I am a contradictive person as i said previously... I train to think in both ways, or you could say cover both side... so no matter I yearn for the magical thing to come, yet in the other part of my brain tells me that.. c'mon nin.. there's no such romantism in this life... no rose without thorns, rite ?

if things that we yearn haven't come yet, we may say ; it will come at the right moment and that's when the beauty created. This is me and my cold frozen heart are preaching about possesing a positive mind... so pethatic !

well, whatsoever... magical thing happen caused by the logical way of thinking, I believe ... let's say Borobudur temple =)

I've been waiting for the miracle actually, a simple presence that I know it will makes my day or even my year 'cos of the memories that is created.

don't U miss my smile, dear God ?

To have a dream is to be hurt

My editor asked me to sit and talk about my article on last Friday. He said that I wrote a contrary thing in the beginning of the article, which is true. Then, I was thinking how many times in life that we live in a contrary way? I’ve just realised that to have a dream is to be hurt. True, dream keeps us going, but how about if a dream will remain a dream? Maybe you’ll say it depends on how hard we pursued our dream, yet some times things have written… Shut up! I know I know… it’s not our business, we’ll do the best God will do the rest… I know!!! But still, we will experience the failure…and that hurts.

Last night I had a strange dream, it was about my dream. I failed to achieve it…and it hurts. I woke up and the pain remain there… is it a sign? Or is it merely me feeling insecure? Then, I was thinking whether is it wrong or right to have that dream… and somehow I even feel like an idiot to be dare to have that dream…

Some times thing looks beautiful because it is remain unreachable, thus there is a thing called hope.

simplicity

Some times all we need is a pure simplicity. And I was surprised that it happened to me.

I somehow want to know whether some people around me are okay or not… and merely by knowing that they’re okay, it makes me smile.

I think this is a real simplicity that I could embrace this far… =)

So glad that I finally experience; “simple thing that makes u happy"

moving on...

Thing that I’ve been learning in my life is, every people, every family will have their own highlight, silver line and hiccups along the way… In the end of the road, we’ll realise that we are not alone or even we glad that it wasn’t as tough as what other people’s experience… I always remember that “Allah will not test us beyond our capability” and that’s what keeps me going.

I spent my weekend with best friends of mine back then when I was in undergrad… It was lovely somehow, knowing that they’re still around =) we change in some ways… or I should say we are moving on… we never be the same aite?

I met them about eight years ago… we spent every single day together since then for over five years in Bandung, think it was my turning point of life, when I learnt at the first time to live away from my parents. I did well and I know it was because I circled by these people…

As everybody say that yesterday seems so easy… and that’s what it is. Being adult and growing up is suck like I always say… Yet I don’t see the good if we keep linger n livings in our past… What’s the point of I used to, u used to, we used to… I mean we were those person at that time… but it was in the past… and we can’t expecting to get our past back, can we? Instead of keep recalling of what we have in the past why don’t we live up our present life ? ‘n accept the fact that we are change, people change, things are change and that how life is supposed to be… moving forward.

In the end of the day, we all know that we are formed by what we experienced in the past. We all have our own history that make us to be a person like today, whether it was good or bad… both have equal part.

friday bliss

Thanks God it's Friday =)

I'll make sure today is gonna be another a delicate fine day... with a parade of simple fine things. I open my heart for the good tiny things that this life offers =) has to start with the simple thing aite ? so here I am collecting a bit and pieces...

Last nite was talking with the fashion eds n the graphic designer 'bout things... which i could conclude that what we need in life is a bravery... and giving no space for a regret, cos once we regret thing it means we didn't do it right. Doesn't mean thing that we do is always satisfying, yet by the end of the day we could say that at least we've tried... there's no room for the word " I should've...." people say there's nothing real 'till it's gone... 'n I don't want to have that thought for sure.

and... since tomorrow is weekend at last... going to spend this day with so much FUN =) plus Harry Potter is waiting...

Have a good Friday everyone... ;p

the heart of life...

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
(JM)

often times we see things that we don't want to see and hear things that we refuse to hear...
for the last two days, been trying to create such a positive idea in my mind and indeed it isn't an easy task to accomplish... yet I always believe the mood we in in the morning will define bit or more our mood in the remaining day. And of course we'll find billion of distractions along the day... like what I experienced yesterday... yet I insisted not to get bother with things outside... selfish and so bitchy maybe.. but I know what it is need to be done for my own sake... I have through the bad days enough... and I deserve a period of nice fine days. I successfully killed my emotions, eventually... for sure.

This morning ? I've got shocked with the death of Taufik Savalas, an entertainer. It wasn't a news that u want to hear when u just started ur day, for sure... I don't have any involvement with him.. but he was in the TV like often.. 'n it just makes u so familiar with him.. 'n I know he is a good man in some ways.. He died of car accident in Purworejo, 13 km from Yogyakarta. Innalilahi wa Innailaihi Roji'un ...

It darken my cloud this morning somehow... no no I'm not exaggerating thing, it's just u know.. u never know what will happen in the next second... u just don't know. For me personally, when I'm in-search a thing called serenity it kicks my soul... it is somehow giving me an insight ... a lesson... a purification... I don't know how to describe, but it makes me understand some sort of things in life... and it's dissolving my anger.. 'n leave an acceptance feeling that, in the end the heart of life is good.

I'm content at this moment... at last
'n for some reasons I won't let things or people distract this... I'm sorry

me 'n him/ two ciggies/pantry/lunch break/deadline

hi, can I join the party... (grin... referring to smoke)
yeah sure
thanks for the wednesday cake... was heavenly (smile)
sure it's ok...
(pause)
(awkward)
did u go to the wedding ?
nooo unfortunately.. had to come to my other friend wedd... well it's depressing anyway..
wedding ?
yeah.. (smile)
hahahaha.. I know what u mean...
(smile)
do u have any plan for tonight ?
well deadline.. have to work on it... like always..
oh... sure..
emm... why ?
no..it's ok...
(smile)...(damn it)
i was going to ask u for a drink... but it's ok...
(smile)...(damn it) hey got to go back... to the jungle..
hahaha yeah.. downstair..
see u...


(so typical of me... Gosh ! why...????????)

bed and breakfast...

previously, I wrote about cheating... afterward, I was thinking... how does it feel to be on that position as the "home" and the "hotel"
I am someone's "home" at this present time... and I think... I am also a "hotel" for somebody's else...
and me ? yeah.. I think it's kinda boring to stay at home all the time... whilst the "home" itself always has a need to experience the comfort of some hotels outside there... I actually trying to go out and find a nice fine bed and breakfast (well I don't really like hotel.. b'nb for me is more homey and warm =p) but.. where could I find it ? how about if I forget the way back home ? how about if I'm too convinience at that b'nb and have a desire to stay longer ? how about if I'm staying at home but my mind is on that b'nb? and for how long a home will remain a home ?
... how?

darn it! I'm scorpio... 'n I'm thinking too much !!!

two women/three ciggies/stairs/office hours/deadline

seriously... u really don't believe in love anymore, do u ?
(smile) do you ?
you are so synical and pethatic woman
I am realistic
I can't believe that u really flat-cold hearted !
(smirk) I just don't want to put my self into the stupid whirlwinding emotion anymore... tiring !
as your McDreamy said; change position then...
(laugh)
so, what is it all about the relationship... u can't have that without love, can u ?
think... it's more about commitment, there's no such a thing so called love...
commitment... that's a tough one.. don't think any man would easily involve...
damn right, that's why... me my self I have enough with the emotional thingy.. love, hurt, pain, in love... it's over
hell... romatism is really dead for u...
(smirk) .. think that's the wisest thing to do..., don't u think, a penis admirer ?
(laugh) I love men...
hmmm... I love men as a body not as a human...
u sick woman...
(smile)... act like a man then u won't get hurt !

cheating ?

You didn't tell her the truth, you're cheating.

I'm not cheating on her I never have!

Oh then what do you call it?

Look, you're a guy sometimes you wanna know it's a possiblity alright? You know it's like having a beautiful home, but you still dream of that quick vacation down there, you know some nice hotel a great view I don't know maybe a pool. But it's a just a fantasy because you'll never really leave home! Do you hear what I'm saying?

(phone booth)

tunggu saja..

... udah istirahat aja dulu... biarin yang mau lewat ya lewat.. bagus kalau ada yang mau nungguin.. kalau engga yaaa anggep aja nggak jodoh....

...tapi masa hari gini nunggu, diem aja kaya orang bego...

...lah daripada lu lari-lari gak jelas, capek doang.. ya mending nunggu sambil pasang mata.. kalau ada yang baus lu ambil deh....

...kalau yang bagus ternyata did epan sana gimana ? sementara kita di sini leyeh2 kaya orang bodo...

..bilangin berarti itu bukan rejeki elu...

...eh dodol hari gini gak ada yang namanya jodoh gak jodoh.. semuanya tergantung kita...

...tapi ada hal2 yang gak bisa dipaksain cong... kadang kita memang cuma dikasih pilihan buat nunggu itu aja... toh nggak ada salahnya brenti sebentar bernapas, bikin strategi biar nggak grasa-grusu...

...hmmm... oke gua emang capek nyari nyari mulu... gw pengen skarang gw yang dicari... itu juga kalau ada yang nyari... damn it!

...kalau pun ada kadang2 bukan sesuatu atau seseorangyang kita arepin...

...emberrrr... ok, gw mau idle... gw tunggu...tapi gw punya batas waktu... jadi apa pun itu, i'll take it as the answer...

...gak ada salahnya kok... toh nanti ini bikin lu ngerti sebenernya maksudnya apa.. dan lu bisa brenti menebak-nebak... santai aja... duduk..minum2... liatin aja depan elu , nikmatin... idup ini kan kaya film.. cuman sutradaranya yang di Atas... plus ceritanya ganti2 mulu gak ada siaran ulang dan asiknya prime time-nya 24/7.. jadi pasti seru deh di semua adegan... jangan macem2 ya.. tunggu saja... tunggu... idle...

sign

... think I need a sign
thus, I'll be patience 'n see what's happening
no need to rush... 'cos I know it is worth to wait
yeah.. I know...
but still I need a sign
for whatever the story might tell...
=)

reason ?

him : why don't u come here then ?
her : I need a reason...
him : I am the reason...
her : I don't know u...
him : then, come... u'll know me better
her : U r wearing a ring...
him : I was... long time ago
her : sorry...
him : don't be...
her : U r too busy and I don't wanna be alone there
him : U won't... I'm the boss remember...
her : I'm a chain murderer, u know...
him : probably... risk taken
her : I googled u
him : U googled me ?
her : U are everywhere... scary
him : am I ?
her : I need a reason...
him : I am ur reason... that should be enough

the idea of u

the strangest thing is... I think i miss the idea of u and me
when you give me a second bliss 'n couple periods of delightful nostalgia
... it keeps me going =)
*thx*

simply impossible...

I don't think this is wrong...
I just can't understand why it seems wrong...
I'm too tough... too independent... too wild... too logic... too critical... to synical... too strong... too powerful... too active... too aggresive... too difficult... too defensive... too sensible... too material... too straight forward
I keep questioning things... I considering a lot of things before I act... I plan all my life... I don't tolerate stupidity... I never stop fighting... I am a hard worker
It's... I can't be a simple and accepting woman...
Maybe I would love to be that one... one day... but not today... not these recent times when I have to fight for many reasons... I need to survive...
I don't feel secure... I have been threaten by a simplicity that some women could offer...
A thing that I do yearn so much...
I do feel tired... but I do need to stand with my own feet

Am I too hard for you ?
I am not superwoman... it's just me... who have been through lot of things in my life
I could only promise you, me...
a person that could survive when u have to go through the storm or even pass away before me... and be able to take care and raise the children without difficulties n promise them a brighter future...

wait...

most of the times, all we could do is.. wait and hope that the pains will subside, eventually...

'n wish the phase of waiting n hoping won't take too long...
it's just... I'm running out of times

wounds

"People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret roadmaps of their personal histories. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers."

"What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should've healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again."
-MG-

in repair

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there

-JM-